WASTED WITS: What I Think I Know

We at Wasted Wits know, that the moment you read an interesting news item, the first thing in your mind is, “Wonder what David thinks about it?” Well, little dumplings, wonder no more...

Just saw a Viagra commercial. I wonder what they’d recommend for an erection lasting since high school?

Speaking of Viagra, they now sell a wallet that has been tanned with a Viagra solution. If you rub it... it turns into a suitcase. (rim shot)

Soccer may be America’s number one sport... until about age 10.

Former President Clinton gave a pep talk to Democrats, and urged them to vote for Health Care Reform. It was a pretty good day for him; he got eight pledges, three maybes and two phone numbers. (another rim shot)

I just read where a bar is holding a “Cougar Night.” I wonder if young guys drink for free?

Boy, President Obama just can’t catch a break these days. They just put the infamous “DC Sniper” to death via legal injection and his last words were, “Say no to a public option.”

Do you think toilet paper sales go up during the Thanksgiving weekend?

I think it’s high time that they stop letting the Detroit Lions play football on TV every Thanksgiving. Watching them play... well, it’s hard to keep that big meal down.

Funny thing about running a humor website featuring all-original material... most e-mails and personal encounters with those interested in the site always end with suggestions as to what we SHOULD be doing.

CNN’s Lou Dobbs is leaving the network. Good riddance...

I’ve been checking out some older music lately... I do that sometimes... and here’s five songs you may have forgotten about:
1) “We Just Disagree” by Dave Mason (1977).
Great harmony song and kind of sad too, though the guy is being awfully civil about the breakup. No good guys, no bad guys... .we just disagree. So adult.
2) “Build Me Up Buttercup” by the Foundations (1968).
Lots of fun to just sing right along... like a bunch of high schoolers having their first beer.
3) “Since I Fell For You” by Lenny Welch (1963).
Great song sung so intensely by my man Lenny. One of the all-time great vocal performances.
4) “Moonlight Feels Right” by Starbuck (1976).
Extremely catchy tune that features the most kick-ass marimba solo ever put on record.
5) “Happy Together” by The Turtles (1967).
Always one of my favorites, this song just screams “Sixties.”

Just saw the movie, “Marley & Me.” Good movie... especially if you love dogs but be forewarned: At the end of the movie, they reveal, in vivid detail, what we dog people know all too well; what happens during that last sad trip to the vet. I cried like a two-year-old.

I love the song, “Send In The Clowns.” I think, over the years, it’s sort of attained status as a hackneyed, soppy, overly dramatic tune... sort of like “My Way.” But it’s really beautiful. The music is haunting, as the lyrics describe the breakup of a relationship in poetic, almost painful fashion. In the circus, when an act is doing poorly, they yell out, “send in the clowns” to pump the audience up and bring new life to the show. That metaphor works perfectly here in the context of this song. Okay... .I’m done.

If a guy like Tiger Woods... who is a gazillionaire... who’s so famous, a world-class athlete, who lives in mansions, has two beautiful healthy kids, is married to a Swedish model... if a guy like him isn’t happy, what does that mean for the rest of us schmucks?

I saw a recent Dr. Phil show that asked, among teenagers, “Is oral sex the new ‘goodnight kiss?’” At this rate, a guy’s very first kiss will soon include a three-way... with twin sisters.

Just saw a headline: “Sarah Palin’s Popularity On The Rise.” I get a sneaking suspicion I could be moving to New Zealand in 2012.

My boys have teased me a hundred times because I love the movie, “Matilda.” Dammit, I love this movie! The kid is adorable, The villain is perfect and scary in a comical way, and Danny DeVito is... Danny DeVito. Miss Honey is so sweet and kind. Can the “Matilda” part of me co-exist with the part that also loves “Goodfellas?” Maybe that’s why I have trouble sleeping.

How’s your holiday season going? We’re barreling toward that post-Christmas letdown and then heading for the Neurotic New Year belief that this next year will somehow be different, only to settle in by Valentine’s Day, to having the same kind of year as all the other ones.

Speaking of Valentine’s Day, you know you’re getting old when you make love on a bed full of rose pedals and then, months later, a few of them fall to the floor while you’re getting ready for the beach on Memorial Day.

Just to give everyone a heads up: Mark your calendar because next year, Cinco de Mayo falls on May 5th.

And finally... A near-complete dinosaur skeleton has just been discovered in South Dakota. It is noted that the creature still has much of its skin intact and that the skin has the feel and texture of Joan Rivers’ face.