WASTED WITS: What I Think I Know

We at Wasted Wits know, that the moment you read an interesting news item, the first thing in your mind is, “Wonder what David and Eric think about it?” Well, little dumplings, wonder no more...

I’ve finally learned the difference between cat people and dog people.
Cat people lick themselves and like to play with yarn.
Dog people lick themselves too but mainly, just their balls.

Obama is right for taking his time mulling over the advice of General McChrystal. Have you ever heard of a general who didn’t want more troops?

Can you believe we’re getting closer to reforming health care and getting rid of that infernal “pre-existing condition” policy that so many insurance companies have used to deny coverage over the years? And yet... the polls say people don’t want it. When did Americans become so chickenshit about change?

One of the funniest Twitter sites is twitter.com/shitmydadsays. Check it out, it’s hilarious.

Elizabeth Edwards recently said that her and John’s marriage is a real “love story.” If that’s a love story, then I think I’ll take my chances with this blow-up doll right here... somewhere...

One of my life’s highlights was visiting St. John’s Wood in London where The Beatles fabled studio, Abbey Road, is situated. Not only did I march right into the studio (politely, though they asked me to leave---also politely), but I also did “The Walk” across the zebra-striped road made famous by their Abbey Road album cover. Do you hate me?

Are you going to see the movie of Michael Jackson’s rehearsals, “This Is It”? I don’t think I can.

Whatever happened to Sade? I can tell you that she has a new CD coming in Nov/2009.

So, NASA is testing a new rocket that may be used to return astronauts to the moon. After that, how about we send a couple of guys out west to the Pacific to explore and draw up maps... then, let’s explore the mighty Mississippi again.

Can someone explain to me how the world’s most powerful military is getting whupped by a bunch of barefooted, rag-tag tribesmen in Afghanistan? Should we start piping in Jonas Brothers?

Shouldn’t be too long now before Valerie Bertinelli stops telling us all how to live and later turns up on Oprah, tearfully explaining how she now washes herself with a rag tied to a stick.

I’m thinking about getting a tattoo. It’s not a mid-life crisis because... well... I’m sort of past mid-life and... heck, I don’t even own a motorcycle. At this point, it’s more so I can have an identifying mark on me in case something happens... like if they find me in the produce section with my cold, stiff fingers wrapped around the perfect avocado... finally.

What is the relationship between the male ego and grilling meat? Our wives/girlfriends cook meal after meal and then, when we go out and grill a slab of beef and plop it on a plate, we’d like a CNN correspondent to be there to report it.

I keep hearing the right-wingers boasting that president Bush kept us safe for the next seven and a half years after 9/11. But wasn’t he also President on 9/11?

Speaking of the former Prez, I hear he’s making a living now as a motivational speaker. I’m feeling it. He’s motivated me to do my part to keep as many Republicans out of office as possible.

Now, they’re fussing at Obama because he doesn’t include women when he’s hanging out or playing sports with his buddies. The man is surrounded by a wife and two daughters; every now and then, a guy has to be able to fart, spit, cuss and talk poontang with his friends.

Is there a better record on the planet, than Al Green’s Greatest Hits?

It’s cool having a black president. The word on the street is that Obama is threatening to bust a cap in somebody’s ass if Congress doesn’t pass a health care bill.

They recently found a ’65 VW van that was stolen 35 years ago. Funny thing was, in the back seat was a 55 year-old gray-haired guy smoking a joint, bitching about Nixon.

When is Jim Carrey gonna make another hilarious movie? When?

I’ve tried to like Taylor Swift. Really I have. But I’ve yet to hear her in a live performance where she didn’t drift off key. Am I the only one hearing it?

I recently saw an interview with Kiss’ Gene Simmons and the female interviewer asked him, “How long is your tongue?” He replied, “Long enough to make you my girlfriend.” Yeah, he’s cocky... but a good line is a good line.

I just love “war talk.” I’d love to be able to yell, “Attack the left flank,” “Cut off their supply lines,” and “Maintain your positions along the ridge.” Of course I’d like to be completely safe when barking out those commands.

I don’t think there’s a better guitar player on the planet than Mr. Larry Carlton.

When an older woman is stalking a younger man, why is it considered a little sexy and why does she get a cool name like “cougar”? If I were hitting on a 25 year-old, the only word that would come to most minds would be, “creepy.”

I also love to hear carpenters talk a little shop. “Make sure it’s flush.” “Shave off a quarter inch and square it up.” “Finish her off with several coats of varnish.” I used to have a subscription to Playboy... now I get my kicks watching Norm, the master carpenter.

What’s up with Nancy Grace? Not only is she looking more and more like Cruella DeVille, but her mood swings are off the charts. At ease, counselor.