WASTED WITS: What I Think I Know

We at Wasted Wits know, that the moment you read an interesting news item, the first thing in your mind is, “Wonder what David and Eric think about it?” Well, little dumplings, wonder no more...

As we look at President Obama’s first 100 days, one important accomplishment is being overlooked: Webster’s Dictionary is now adding “Aks” as a synonym for “Asks” as in “Helen, did you want to aks me a question?”

With the Swine Flu making it’s way across America, one question has been left out: How are the whores doing? Girls, you might want to restructure your prices to include “without the mask” sex acts.

I’ve gotten a major kick out of watching the Right’s reaction to long-time Republican Senator Arlen Specter’s defection to the Democratic Party. After so many years as a senior Senator, he suddenly smells like four-day old fish.

American Idol’s “Music of the Rat Pack” night went sour when Matt, getting a little too far into his Chairman of the Board persona, threw Allison through a plate-glass window. Ironically, judge Paula Abdul called the unfortunate event, “magical.”

Back to this Swine Flu, can anyone explain to me why this is on page one when we lose 36,000 people to the regular influenza virus every year?

Fox was the only major network NOT to show Obama’s press conference the other night. Then, O’Reilly, Hannity, Dick Morris and Beck spent the rest of the night giving us their version of what he said and telling us why Obama is the antichrist. Their “fair and balanced” philosophy sure is impressive.

Celebrities hire on with a weight-loss company, get all fired up and start berating all of us couch potatoes to get our lard asses out there and start moving! They lose the weight, appear on the cover of People magazine and appear on all the talk shows showing off their new body. Then a year later, after being spotted lumbering through an airport, they admit that they are now washing themselves with a rag tied to a stick. The latest casualty: Kirstie Alley. The next one: Valerie Bertinelli.

The News You’ve Been Waiting For: Sean Hannity has just issued his grade for Obama’s first 100 days. After lots of thoughtful analysis, he gives him an F minus. Now, to complete our coverage, we’re waiting for Ann Coulter and Dick Morris to weigh in. Are their 15 minutes up yet?

Actress Kelly McGillis is single and in the market for a female partner. McGillis stated, “I’m done with the man thing.” This only backs up Wasted Wits’ belief that all women on Earth will eventually be gay…and that, if you’re smart, you’ll invest heavily in lotion and tissue stocks.

Ever in a melancholy, late-night mood where you contemplate your very existence? Try Melody Gardot for your soundtrack.

For all of you Swine flu mask-wearers out there: put your nose INSIDE the mask.

My notes on the Kentucky Derby:

Where were all the black folks?
Why is it okay for women to wear butt-ugly hats at the K. Derby?
They say it’s the most “exciting two minutes in sports.” I say the end of most NBA games is at least as exciting.
I’d love to just hang out around the horse stables and say things like “He/She loves the slop.”
Do you think that anyone bet, say, a thousand bucks on that 50:1 shot that won the race?
Do jockeys have groupies?

Egyptians are killing all their pigs in the wake of the Swine flu scare. And THIS was once the most advanced civilization on Earth?

Why do I still love “It Never Rains In Southern California” by Albert Hammond? I don’t know, but it sort of feels like a “first love” kinda thing.

Does anyone find William Shatner as boring as I do?

It’s more and more obvious: If you want an honest answer about anything, just ask Joe Biden.