WASTED WITS: What I Think I Know

We at Wasted Wits know, that the moment you read an interesting news item, the first thing in your mind is, “Wonder what David and Eric think about it?” Well, little dumplings, wonder no more...

I just read Gladys Knight’s autobiography, “Between Each Line of Pain & Glory.” It’s a great read but it surprised me to find out that the Pips and Gladys all got an equal cut. Gladys sang lead and the Pips... well, their contributions were a little more sparse:

“Too much for the man, he couldn’t make it.”
“He said he’s going.”
“Going back to find.”
“Leavin’”
“Leavin’ on the midnight train.”
“Whoo-Hooo”

When you think of it, Gladys never did claim to be a businesswoman.

I’d like to go to Branson, Missouri. I know it’s supposed to be cheesy and corny there, but I just want to see my boyhood hero, Glen Campbell, get up there with only a guitar and sing from the heart; no dancing girls, no light show and no orchestra. Then again, I’d like to find the perfect avocado too, but that’s never happened.

The 59th Miss Universe Pageant will be held this August. I did a little research and found an amazing statistic: Of the 58 previous winners of the Miss Universe Pageant, every single one of them was an Earthling. What are the odds of that?

President Obama was pictured recently, shaking hands with Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez. Trying to imagine silence from the Fox News Faithful after that would be like imagining Italy without the tomato.

I’m about to be rich. I found out today that GM is killing off the Pontiac car brand, which will make my ’94 Pontiac Bonneville priceless.

I’m endlessly amused by the stunned reaction to this Craigslist killer. Like anyone with blonde hair can’t possibly be evil?

I’m on Twitter now. My instinctive reaction to these kinds of things is to run the other way. If the group turns left, I usually turn right. But I’m hoping that this experience will somehow inform my “What I Think I Know” column. See, it’s already working! I’m under my name, David Tillis but I’m not in the database yet. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to twitter an amputee... this is your chance.

There are eight cases of Swine flu in the U.S. now. Wasted Wits is recommending that you bring your pigs into the house immediately.

Copy my column and e-mail it to your friends. Just do it.

Miss USA runner-up, Carrie Prejean — she of the controversial gay rights response — is talking a lot in interviews about her faith in God and her family values, etc... Who knew that this bleached blonde in the teeny bikini, who relentlessly pursued beauty queen titles since her teens, was so wholesome and deep?

The “morning after” pill is back in the news --- this one is for the guys and will compel them to call the girl the next morning and tell her he had a good time.

Todd Rundgren’s “Can We Still Be friends” remains one of the great break-up songs ever. But... is he asking her to remain as friends? Or is he asking a rhetorical question of “Can We Possibly Remain Friends After All We’ve Been Through?” That’s what’s great about it... you decide.

From the You Heard It Here Dept: Dick Cheney is really... The Penguin.

Susan Boyle, the Scottish singing sensation now has her makeover. Next thing you know, she’ll be dating John Mayer.

Should the Bush Administration be investigated for allowing torture in their two terms? I have no idea, but listening to them now trying to revise history sure feels like torture.