WASTED WITS: What I Think I Know

We at Wasted Wits know, that the moment you read an interesting news item, the first thing in your mind is, “Wonder what David and Eric think about it?” Well, little dumplings, wonder no more...

Well... Marilyn Chambers was just found dead at 56. You guys will remember; she was our first exposure to porn in “Behind The Green Door.” She looked like the girl next door but could suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

What do we Americans want? We want affordable, high-quality health care, safe roads and bridges, low crime, clean air, a superb military, cheap energy, great public schools, and the list goes on. Oh yeah... we also want less government and lower taxes.

The Obamas just got their dog, Bo. Only a dog could make the most powerful man in the world stand outside in his shorts at 3am waiting on nature’s call. It’ll happen, you wait and see. I just hope the Secret Service doesn’t wrestle the turd to the ground.

Pablo Francisco is one of the funniest stand-up guys working. Check him out on YouTube.

I miss Ray Charles.

Back to this thing about what’s our greatest state: Texas? I love the hill country but hate the rest of it. Oklahoma? Can you say “Tornado Alley?” Kansas? See Oklahoma. I do love Tennessee but the last time I was there, a local fired a warning shot over my head as I was mistakenly hiking on his property. No kidding.

Former American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken recently admitted he’s gay. The voices in my head told me that might be a possibility.

Former Guilty Pleasure: I used to enjoy watching Gilmore Girls. Dammit, I liked the witty dialogue, the “Mayberry” feel of Stars Hollow, and I liked to hear Lorelai go at it with her mother. Hey, does anyone know of a way to increase a guy’s testosterone levels? Not for me of course.

American Idol Talk: I’m thinking Adam and Allison could be in the final two, though I still like this Danny guy. What’s the deal of only having Simon critique every other singer? Is that a good idea to have less of Simon Cowell??

Does anyone know what lies beyond Bed and Bath? It sounds sort of frightening.

I hate myself for it but I think former Bush press secretary, Dana Perino is hot. She has that look that says, “I wouldn’t even bother to scrape you off the bottom of my shoe.” I have to respect her for that.

There’s an Afghan law that allows the husband to demand sex every four days or the woman risks being stoned (with rocks, not weed). I say, just amend the law to having the woman serve nachos every fourth day and nobody gets hurt.

Secret CIA papers from the Bush years have just been released and revealed that our government was subjecting prisoners to weeks of Oprah Winfrey’s “Improve Your Life” shows. Dammit, America is better than that!

Overnight singing sensation, Susan Boyle is taking the world and Youtube by storm. I have just two thoughts on the subject: 1) The embarrassing, not-so-subtle message we’re sending her is, “How can someone so incredibly repulsive sing so well?” and 2) Is that the only song she knows?

Steely Dan’s “Deacon Blues” is my favorite song ever. I never tire of it. It’s not just the exquisite music. It’s also those incredibly insightful lyrics. For sure, the guy’s caught a few more punches than he’s thrown. By acknowledging his failures, the song’s protagonist somehow finds the strength to keep going…and by the end of the record, I’ve found a little more strength too.

What is the deadliest, most sugary kids’ candy ever devised? Giant Sweet Tarts? Tootsie Pops? Jawbreakers? Candy cigarettes certainly are morally repugnant. Bubble gum? Wax bottles? No, I believe the answer is: Pixy Stix. Yes, those sugar-filled straws were a sugar-addict’s heroin and, short of opening up a vein, their method of administration was unmatched for pure simplistic evil. You just ripped the end of the straw, tilted your head to the sky and started tap, tap, tapping as the powdery, flavored sugar made it’s way down your pie hole. Yes, Pixy Stix single-handedly made dentistry the world’s deadliest profession, as suicide became a dentist’s final option, yay verily.