WASTED WITS: What I Think I Know

We at Wasted Wits know, that the moment you read an interesting news item, the first thing in your mind is, “Wonder what David and Eric think about it?” Well, little dumplings, wonder no more...

I watched some of the Country Music Awards the other night and it’s sure a long way from George and Tammy. The guys look like Hell’s Angels and the women look like hookers…except for Carrie Underwood of course.

Ever tried potato chips and cottage cheese? It’s a magical combination but unexplainable…like the feeling a guy gets when he holds a baseball.

What’s the greatest state in the union? Florida has too many out-of-stators and billboard signs. Georgia has too many Georgians. I would say Colorado, but you could get killed by a rock slide at any moment…no thanks. Minnesota? They once elected a wrestler as Governor so either they’re rebels we can admire or just not very bright…I can’t decide. California? If you can get past the high home prices, wildfires, and earthquakes, it could very well be Eden. What’s your pick?

Sarah Palin is now regularly issuing policy statements. Don’t be shocked but…do you think she may run for the Ovular Office in 2012?

Facebook. I’m a member but I don’t know why. It’s sort of fun but has too many options: “David just poked Brenda”(which just sounds odd... you know why), or “David is taking a dump.” Some of the options throw you over onto a screen that will NOT let you click off. My interest is starting to wane...

They’ve recalled Pistachio nuts. Dammit, isn’t ANYTHING sacred?

Ever had a caffeine headache? It feels like you’ve been beaten with a bag of doorknobs. I think I’ll go have a glass of tea.

Someone needs to take John Mayer’s computer away from him.

I always try to watch some of the Today Show. I don’t know why.

When I take a newspaper off a stack of them, I always grab the third or fourth one. It seems fresher.

Have you ever seen the movie, “Ring of Bright Water”? It’s my Bambi. By God, seeing that film threw me into a vortex of despair that has dogged my every move as an adult, placing me under a perpetual cloud of severe depression that feels like a wet woolen blanket from which I can never emerge. It’s a really great film and I recommend it.

A teenager told me the other day, that Wasted Wits has too many words. Maybe we’ll soon just feature pictures of stick figures for those little bastards who hate to read...

And yet another President has paid a top secret visit to the flourishing democracy that is Iraq... under a press blackout and massive security. I think marching bands met him when he visited the other flourishing democratic nations.

Looks like traveling to Cuba will soon be an option again. Don’t expect a stampede though... why go to Cuba when we have plenty of “Babaloo” in Miami?

If you’re a casual beer drinker like me... and by casual, I mean ten beers a year... you might try that Jamaican beer, Red Stripe. It doesn’t offend me at all.

I have some friends who’ve tried computer dating recently. After briefly considering it, and rejecting it, I decided if I did, I would pull off the greatest scam ever: I wouldn’t tell them I’m an amputee. Oh, it wouldn’t be a lie. I just wouldn’t volunteer the information. Heck, it could take them years to find out. Suckers...

Michael Jordan is heading into the Basketball Hall of Fame this year. Watching him play must be what it was like to watch baseball during Babe Ruth’s era. If you love excellence and class…and I do…make sure you also enjoy the magnificent career of Tiger Woods. He... and Jordan... will still be discussed a hundred years from now.

Most times on American idol, when the judges crucify a contestant’s choices and America then votes them off, the Idol wanna-be always says they wouldn’t have changed a thing and they “had fun out there.” Well... as long as they had fun... now they can have fun at home singing into a hairbrush again.

The Friday before Easter is when Jesus supposedly was tortured, humiliated, nailed to a wooden cross and left to die. What do we call the day? Good Friday. It all leads to the holiest of days on Sunday when we worship His resurrection by hunting for colored eggs and eating chocolate bunnies. Is anyone else confused?

The hostage crisis in the pirate-infested waters of the Somalian coast ended when the U.S. threatened to litter Somalia’s coastline with strip malls and fast food restaurants.

Having lost my leg a year and a half ago, the experience sort of feels like standing in a spotlight... and then watching, in the dark, as the beam moves on.