FROM THE WASTED WITS NEWS TEAM
Tiger Still Best At Finding Hole
Windermere, FL (WWN) – The world’s number one athlete has done it again; after winning golf tournaments, making commercials, romancing his Swedish-model wife and safe-guarding his millions, it’s now known that he STILL had time to bang a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. “I don’t think even Jack Nicklaus could have pulled that off,” said a close friend. “He’s simply the best at whatever he attempts!” added another unnamed source.
His wife, Elin, is obviously keeping all that golfing talent in the family, taking a nine-iron to his Escalade and, with one sweet swing, shattering the back window after he crashed it into a tree following an apparent argument. Ever the supreme golf technician, a neighbor heard Tiger tutoring Elin, “When you swing, keep your elbow up and your head still,” even while the blood gushed from his mouth as he passed in and out of consciousness.
Tiger released a statement today, which Wasted Wits has promptly decoded. Here is a partial transcript with the decoded message in bold:
“I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings
behind closed doors with my family.”
So you can easily see, Tiger is obviously sending a message of his sexual prowess to cocktail waitresses all along the PGA tour, that he is number one… in everything.
Obama Makes Decision On Afghanistan
Washington (WWN) – After a long period of deliberation, President Obama has decided to send 30,000 more U.S. troops to Afghanistan — plus some top-secret weapons that were unannounced but whose names were obtained by Wasted Wits. His decision has angered the hawks by mentioning a withdrawal date, and angered the doves just by sending any troops at all. But, the secret weapons he’s chosen could turn the tide in quick fashion:
Taylor Swift - Her off-key ramblings about teen love will send the Taliban running and screaming to find a nice quiet cave.
Rachael Ray - She will cook for the enemy… her hoarse chatter and endless stream of burgers and party snacks should have the enemy begging the U.S. for a bite of their field rations.
John Mayer - Will launch a massive “dating offensive” that will take thousands of attractive Afghan women out of harm’s way.
Patrick Swayze - Yes, Obama knows that he recently died but did you see “Roadhouse?” Even a dead Patrick Swayze could do more damage than the 2,000 soldiers sent by the Dutch. C’mon… the Dutch?
Susan Boyle - The final weapon in Obama’s secret arsenal, the homely singer will stand in an open field and dare the enemy to fire a shot while warbling that ubiquitous ballad, “I Dreamed A Dream.” Bin Laden himself will raise the white flag. Game over.
Srinagar, India (WWN) -- A shopping mall supervisor performs random deodorant checks on his employees before unlocking the doors to begin another day.
Palestine (WWN) -- Palestinians look on in holy reverence as they worship at the sacred Burning Bush.
New York (WWN) -- Despite having actually died three years ago, Rolling Stone Keith Richards has a small role in the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie, coming out May 25. He is also set to play the title role in an upcoming remake of "Beetlejuice", and will need no makeup, according to producers of the movie.
Atlantic's First 2007 Named Storm Forms Early
MIAMI, Florida (WWN)-– A subtropical storm formed
Wednesday off the Southeastern U.S. coast, more than three weeks before the
official start of the Atlantic hurricane season, forecasters said. The year's
first named storm had top sustained winds near 45 mph and was centered about 140
miles southeast of Savannah, Georgia.
The weather-weary National Hurricane Center is changing the
naming system for storms this season and have decided to call this first one,
Subtropical Storm "Nasty Bitch".
Texas Chili Cook-Off Ends In A Bang
TEMPLE, Texas (WWN) —- The Central Texas Chili Cook-Off ended with a bang Sunday as chili eaters “let each little bean be heard” in an explosive display of bowel gas that sent flames thirty feet up into the air. No one was hurt and, indeed, the catch phrase of the day was, “Pull my finger.”
New French President Inspires Self-Examination
PARIS, France (WWN) —- In France, it was the dawn of a new era after Nicolas Sarkozy took a decisive victory in the presidential election. Sarkozy won 53% of the vote in Sunday’s runoff election and was expected to waste no time pushing through promised reforms, first of which are mandatory breast exams for all of the French people. Sarkozy is shown below, performing a breast exam on himself in preparation for the upcoming mammoth, mammary undertaking.
British Admit: “We’re Pussies!”
LONDON (WWN) -- The thirteen-day standoff between Iran and Great Britain has ended with Iran’s release of the fifteen British men and women from the Royal Navy and Royal Marines, allegedly captured in Iranian waters. Britain had disputed the charge, claiming their men were patrolling in Iraqi waters. After a change of underwear, a relieved Prime Minister Tony Blair expressed relief over the return of the British personnel and stated, “We bear the Iranian people no ill will and will abide by the conditions in the agreement; that our men will place their gum on the end of their nose for a period of two weeks as ordered by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.” When asked for comment, U.S. President George W. Bush stated, “This is total bullshit. What if one of their men doesn’t even chew gum?”
WASHINGTON (WWN) -- Rep. Mark Foley, is now in a
rehabilitation clinic after resigning his House seat amid a scandal involving
explicit communications with a teenaged congressional page.
Foley has issued this statement through his attorney, "I am
truly sorry for anyone that I may have hurt with my actions and I take full
responsibility. I will make no excuses... except to say that I am an alcoholic,
I am gay, and I, myself, was abused as a teenager by a clergyman. After I have
finished treatment for this terrible disease, I look forward to my new life,
coaching Little League teams and working with the Boy Scouts."
WASHINGTON D.C (WWN) -- After a long battle with Congress, President Bush signed a renewal of the USA Patriot Act just one day before the old law was set to expire. Bush stated, "I urge everyone to live their normal lives. Go out to our wonderful libraries and check out all the books you like. We look forward to learning of your choices."
Brokeback Snub Triggers Latte Riot
HOLLYWOOD (WWN) -- The Oscar Awards were handed out this week, with the top prize for best movie, given to "Crash." The movie's producers personally sent out thank you notes to each of the eight people who saw the movie. "Brokeback Mountain" had been favored to win the award and, upon hearing the distressing news, angry San Francisco residents took to the streets, overturning their cappuccinos.
WASHINGTON D.C. (WNN) -- It's official, and it's bad news for the Republicans: The spiced mystery meat Spam, is now more popular than President Bush.
Bush Surprises Enemy In Afghanistan KABUL, Afghanistan (WWN)-- President Bush made a
surprise visit to the front lines of the war in Afghanistan, his first ever
trip to that region. After meeting with the Afghan President Hamid Karzai,
Bush stood at the podium, his head cocked to one side and his eyes narrowed
to mere slits. "I challenge you, Osama Bin Laden, to bring your camel-smelly
ass out here in the open! It'll just be you and me. Bring it on!"
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WASHINGTON (WWN)-- Vice President Dick Cheney
accidentally shot and wounded campaign contributor, attorney Harry Whittington
during a weekend quail hunt on a friend's South Texas ranch, local authorities
and the vice president's office said Sunday. Whittington, 78, was in intensive
care at a Corpus Christi hospital and is said to be in stable condition.
It didn’t take long for the Washington spin machine to go
into action soon after the incident. Senator John Kerry was quoted Sunday as
saying, “If Dick Cheney hadn’t received five deferments in avoiding the Vietnam
War, he might have learned how to use a gun.” Cheney’s spokesperson replied only
with, “Kerry’s Mama doesn’t know how to use a gun.”
The National Rifle Association attempted to make light of the
incident, and released a statement saying, “Hey, is shooting a lawyer really
that bad of a thing?” Secret Service spokesman, N. Harmsway, said “Our men dove
for cover when the firing started. We’re not sure of the protocol when the
vice-president begins shooting people.”
Democratic leader Howard Dean exclaimed, "It's obvious the
vice-president was trying to kill everyone on the hunting trip. This
administration has gone too far. If he's shot people in Texas, he'll be shooting
them in Delaware…and Oregon…and Idaho……and he'll go on to Colorado……and
AAARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!"
There was a bit of good news though for the vice-president.
It seems that some of the stray bullets uncovered oil in the fertile Texas soil,
as witnesses were heard to exclaim, “It was gushing up in several places where
the pellets hit the ground. I expect the vice-president will reap quite a
windfall from this. He really has a nose for that Texas Tea.”
SEATTLE, Washington (WWN)-- The White Castle hamburger chain is building support for a "Monday After Super Bowl" national holiday. "The statistics show a very high number of people calling in sick on that day anyway," claims spokesman Tip N. DiScales. Apparently, it's more than just a publicity stunt, as the American Medical Association has recently expressed support for the new holiday. The AMA released their latest data showing very high incidences of post-Super Bowl related illnesses such as Guacamole Cramps, Beer Nuts, Chicken-Wing Angina, and Chips n' Dip Diarrhea. The U.S. Postal Service has also endorsed the holiday, which would make it their twenty-third paid holiday of the year.
WASHINGTON (WWN)-- Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry today called on his Democratic colleagues to filibuster the nomination of Judge Samuel Alito. Speaking from the grand ballroom of his 5-star Swiss hotel, Senator Kerry pledged to continue fighting for the poor and the downtrodden.
Studios Flocking to Brokeback Sequel
LOS ANGELES, California (WWN)-- With the arousing success of gay cowboy epic "Brokeback Mountain", several major movie studios have begun negotiating for the rights to film "Woolyback Mountain", the story of a very lonely, confused young sheepherder with too much time on his hands. Just as "Brokeback Mountain's" "I wish I knew how to quit you" has become the "show me the money" line of the year, producers hope that "Woolyback Mountain's" "Let's get the flock out of here!" will enjoy similar success.
Winters Lands Meaty Posthumous Role
HOLLYWOOD, California (WWN)-- Veteran actress Shelley Winters died today at age 85. Upon the news of her death, her agent, Buck Stopsear, immediately signed up Ms. Winters for the leading role in the disaster epic, "Apocalypse… Again", where she will play a deceased, has-been Hollywood actress.
HOUSTON, Texas (WWN)-- At Super Bowl XXXVIII, Janet Jackson’s nipple escaped it’s over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder and was last seen heading toward the Gulf Of Mexico. Charges are pending against Justin Timberlake for his role in releasing the giant mammary gland in what was described as a major “wardrobe malfunction”. Advisories have been posted in the Gulf of Mexico, where oil workers are reported to be flocking to the drilling platforms, hoping to get a peek at the giant boob. Families in outlying areas of the coast are advised to keep their children inside and curtains closed. FCC authorities summoned Reverend Billy Graham to the scene in hopes that the nipple could be “spiritually saved” and restored back to its basic biological function. The plan was thwarted however when, just as the Reverend approached the titanic ta-ta, the nipple was spirited away by a gang of 15-18 year old boys.