Paris Hilton - I’ve never been in a Hilton and Paris doesn’t make me want to change that. Paris Hilton is the Zsa Zsa Gabor of her generation… with no obvious talent on display, she’s famous just for being famous. We’ve seen her sex tape and the countless “Uncensored” clips of her staggering around the parking lot after a night of partying. Oh yeah. I want that. Please God, tell us her fifteen minutes are up already! Instead, give us her naughty little sidekick, Nicole, who at least can make us laugh.

Mariah Carey - She has grown to define the term “Psycho-Chick”. Sure most guys would like to be seen with her dangling from their arm, but at what price? She practically screams “INSECURE”, but if a rich, famous chick like this is going to be seen with a nobody like me, I DEMAND she be plenty sure of herself. She only likes to be photographed from a certain angle, and always, ALWAYS shows excessive cleavage. On second thought, that’s not really such a bad thing. But to still be doing the sex kitten thing at her age? C’mon! If your only criteria is to find a chick that can sing and break glass, then she gets the nod.

Angelina Jolie - I’m guessing I’m in the minority on this one. I know, I know--she looks amazing. But I just can’t get past those days when Billy Bob Thornton was attached to her like an over-sexed, middle-aged, life-draining tumor. It was pretty disgusting to see him slobbering all over that collagen-pumped cleft lip of hers, and when I saw them each wearing a vial of each other’s blood around their necks… well, it was sort of like the antidote for Viagra.

Julia Roberts - No actress in the world has brought more misery to so many men than Julia Roberts. We’ve endured more bad Julia Roberts chick flicks than we can count. When we wanted to watch Caddyshack, we found ourselves enduring The Runaway Bride. When we wanted to watch Scarface, we wound up suffering through My Best Friend’s Wedding--all just to keep peace in the homeland. Really, when you think about it, she exemplifies the difference between men and women. Chicks think she’s beautiful and guys think she’s just ok. And “just ok” doesn’t warrant all the attention. Pass.

Pamela Lee Anderson - The hottest chick that modern medicine can provide, she’s been laid more than a Wimbledon tarp in June. Motley Crue drummer, Tommy Lee, had her in more starting positions than the Daytona 500. If no-talent, no-brains women with huge breasts and tiny waists turn you on then here’s your love Goddess.

Nicole Kidman - Jeeez, have you seen Nicole Kidman lately? She was so hot looking earlier in her career. I’m sure plastic surgery is a wonderful thing, but now, her face is stretched tighter than a grocery budget in Appalachia. It’s like the difference between Jack Nicholson as himself and as the Joker. She’s beginning to remind me of that Wayland Flowers puppet, Madame. And now I hear she’s a Goodwill Ambassador to the U.N.. After she’s done with that, maybe she can go help solve the Palestinian crisis.