As the saying goes: “Even assholes have opinions... and everybody has one.” Or something like that. Anyway, it’s time for the pure drivel we promised you earlier. Here is:
THE WASTED WITS ROUNDTABLE
We've always loved words. In High School, we worshipped at the feet of a man who's made a pretty fair living from them, George Carlin. Yes, it was the time of our lives until he obtained the restraining order. In that spirit, we at Wasted Wits feel compelled to do our part in expanding the language -- and making George proud -- so without further delay, we humbly present to you:
THE WASTED
WITS DICTIONARY
Alternate Meanings For Fairly Common Words
Aunt Bee and Opie (aint bee an' o'-peeh)- two well-known insects and a plea from an exasperated mother waiting for her young son to urinate.
Boob Job (blonde')- the least-demanding entry-level position in every company.
Boxcar (box'-car)- convertible full of chics.
Crisis (cri'-sis)- any problem a girl may be having.
Cupcake (cup'-cake)- what collects in your jock if you don't wash it often.
Define (de-fine')- to make uglier.
Designer (de-sign'-er)- one who erases autographs.
Discharge (dis'-charge)- to call off the attack.
Distinguish (dis-ting'-uish)- to put out a fire... incorrectly.
Dream Vacation (dream va-ca'-tion)- the only kind a schlub like you can afford.
Headline (head'-line)- waiting outside a brothel.
Hotmail (hot'-mail)- any boy entering puberty.
Impeded (im-ped'-ed)- foot up the ass.
Index (in'-dex)- a spray-on cleaning product for navels.
Microsoft (mi'-cro-soft)- the final insult hurled at you by your ex-wife.
Oniomania (on-io-mania')- a bizarre love for the widow of former Beatle John Lennon.
Physician (phy-si'-cian)- one who tests the carbonation of commercial soft drinks.
Require (re-quire')- shift change at the church.
Retard (re-tard')- newly-paved parking lot.
Spelunking (spe-lunk'-ing)- toilet-related, see Backsplash.
Spotless (spot'-less)- Dick and Jane after euthanizing their beloved pet.
Wharf (wharf')- a common sound heard at giant roller coaster rides.
We’re sure you remember some of those great books from childhood like, “Under The Stairs” by Seymour Butts. Or this one, “The Tiger’s Revenge” by Claude Balls. Or maybe even “Hiding Under The Bleachers” by I. C. Hiney. Do you remember now? In our desire to keep that spirit alive, the editors at Wasted Wits have assembled a collection of titles from some of the best writers of today’s modern literature. It’s hard to believe, but these works somehow flew under the radar of the New York Times best-seller list. In case you’ve been thinking that our humor is getting a bit too sophisticated lately, we proudly bring you:
THE WASTED WITS BEST-SELLERS
1. "Great Woodshop Accidents" by Dick Scominoff
2. "Innocent Men On Death Row" by Waite Adam Minnette
3. "Living With Archie Bunker" by Amy Ted
4. "Monkey Fun at The Zoo" by Don Throshit
5. "Stranded On Gilligan’s Island" by Prof. Ann Marianne
6. "Everyone Let's Limbo!!!!!" by Lois Whens
7. "Great Shakespeare Lines" by Toby Arnott Tubee
8. "My Last Day As A Virgin" by Conway T. Bang
9. "Picnic Games" by Bob Bingferapples
10. "Mob Insiders' Tips: Using Humor To Lighten Tense Moments" by Bud A. Bing
11. "Tastes Like Chicken!" by Sam O. Nella
12. "How To Get Rich Quick" by Sue A. Doktar
13. "Painful Tooth Extractions Made Easy" by Dame Ithurtz
14. "I Was An Accident" by Adam Bhastterd
15. "Crackwhore: You Don't Want To Be Me" by Sharon Needels
16. "Why Is There Coal In My Stocking?" by Nadia Nice
17. "Electrics: The Only Safety Razor" by Don Nick Yuseff
18. "The Irishman Who Cried" by O. Danny Boye
19. "Frontier Cooking" by Russell Oppameel
20. "Who Wants Bacon!” by Angie O. Plasty
21. "Why Plain Cookies Suck" by Chuck Latchipp
22. "Expletives From The Holler" by Abigail Dern
23. "The Hits Of Tom Jones" by Y. Y. Y. Delilah
24. "Crappy Songs From Grade School" by Shelby Komin Rhonda Mowntin
25. "Unfunny Book Titles And Their Authors" by Sophie King Lame
SUPER BOWL 2006 HALF-TIME SHOW
David: So, the Super Bowl halftime
spectacular is behind us now and I have only one question: Do you prefer
your halftime entertainment with or without nipple?
Eric: Only a nipple would have resurrected
what passed for world-class entertainment this year.
David: lol… Well, I sure missed the nipple. And I didn't know
that 62-year old Mick Jagger had the abs of a 12-year old Romanian gymnast.
Eric: He may have been hiding one under his
remove-one-layer-for-each-song outfit.
David: Hey, you've gotta give the guy credit....some people his age
are getting their steaks served from a blender.
Eric: Well, its a good thing that their custom stage was designed to
go all the way around in a circle, otherwise Keith Richards would have gotten
lost halfway around.
David: lol... I hear that. I think it
only confirms the reports that Keith actually died two years ago.
Eric: I'm convinced that at some point during the performance, the
sound crew turned off his guitar feed because he was so rarely hitting the
strings on the beat. With at least 50 stage monitors I can't understand how they
all managed to be apparently playing different songs at the same time
David: That bad, huh? The sound wasn't great but you know, the
reviews I've been seeing are, for the most part, pretty good. It's nice to see
them pushing the boundaries of age with good ole rock n roll.
Eric: It seemed like, during the long shots that showed the bleacher
crowd, the kids were wondering when Brittany or someone was going to come out
and save the show.
David: I sense some more nipple-talk on the way. I think they were
worried that Grandpa Jagger would go into his war stories. Did you notice that
Mick Jagger's face disappears every time he smiles?
Eric: The dreaded “melted candle effect.” At one point, did he pick
up a granny pair of undies and toss them BACK into the audience?
David: lol. I think I saw that.
Eric: Me too.
David: Rumor has it, that the stage was fitted with wheelchair
access. It’s in their contract.
Eric: Well, how else do you expect Charlie Watts to get up there
behind his drums?
David: And I had the nagging suspicion that when he sang, "I can't
get no satisfaction," that it had less to do with sexual tension, than with
bowel movements.
Eric: I have heard bad garage bands play a better cover of the Stones
tunes than they did.
David: You’ve gotta love those guys though. I'm a fan.
Eric: I do have to give it up to Mick for his sheer cocaine-induced
energy level though.... the others wandered around in a drooling stupor.
David: What are you talking about?
Eric: How else can you explain that amount of jumping jack energy
from him?
David: It is hard to explain. I guess the rock and roll
lifestyle isn't as bad as advertised. Maybe everyone should sleep with 3,000
women.
Eric: Good point... though anyone that prances around like a rooster
waving a 20' inflatable penis might be looking for Brokeback Mountain...
David: lol. I don't even want to think of that. So, who would you
like to see next year at the Super Bowl? I'm thinking Herman's Hermits.
Eric: I don't think I'm ready to see a Macy's balloon of Henry the
Eighth.
David: lol... maybe The Dave Clark Five... now down to Three
probably.
Eric: Or a Beatles reunion, down to two... as long as Ringo doesn't
sing.
David: Hey, leave Ringo alone.