WASTED WITS: Pros & Cons

This is the part where we introduce the bit in a clever and amusing way but this time, the bit is so obvious, it need not be explained so just pretend this is clever and amusing and get right to reading this original collection of zany:

Grilling in the nude
Pros- Warmth from the grill has the exact opposite effect of cold water.
Cons- Burning the “sausage.”

French-kissing your dead grandmother
Pros- Your chest swells with pride as you realize Gene Simmons could do no better.
Cons- Your “mind over matter” techniques fail you as you jam your tongue through the stench.

“Sex and the City” reruns
Pros- Watching those crazy gals whore around NYC, whining about their love lives.
Cons- Watching those crazy gals whore around NYC, whining about their love lives.

Wife-swapping
Pros- Doing it with someone new, someone fresh, someone exciting... someone who won’t make you take out the garbage.
Cons- She nags just like your wife AND makes you sleep on the wet spot. Meanwhile, the next evening, your wife is singing, wearing makeup and “going out for awhile.”

Health care town hall meetings
Pros- This democratic process gives the old folks somewhere to go besides the shuffleboard courts. Holding up those “Obama is a Socialist” signs builds up your triceps.
Cons- Proves that IQ and a person’s age are inversely proportional.

Hanging out with amputees
Pros- Physical deformity makes them try harder. Artificial leg makes a handy magazine rack. Two words: handicapped parking.
Cons- Catching a glimpse of the scars on that gnarly stump can dampen one’s passion. They suck at tennis. They can’t drive a stick shift.

Reading Popular Mechanics on toilet
Pros- Unsexy pictures mean you won’t put an eye out with your own urine stream.
Cons- Can read handy tips on how to measure specific gravity of your feces.

“Friends” reruns
Pros- Watching Chandler and Ross act like little pussies makes you feel more manly in comparison.
Cons- Self-esteem plummets each time Jennifer Aniston appears because you know you’ll never have her. Goddamn that John Mayer.

County health clinic
Pros- Poor folks can get the care they need. Usually located near downtown where homeless people hang out. Can sharpen your Spanish by speaking to the other patients.
Cons- Chickens in cages. Naked children sitting on the floor finger-painting with their own stool. Eye contact with staff is forbidden. Have to keep explaining that your last name isn’t “Lowlife.”

Foreplay
Pros- The delicate dance between two lovers stokes the flames of passion ever higher and higher.
Cons- Dammit, the game starts in five minutes! We don’t have time for kissin’ on the toes!!!!

Computer repair
Pros- Getting your computer repaired restores your life back to its normal axis as you realize that you’d give your virginity to get your PC back quickly.
Cons- His dirty little secret is that he just charged you $150.00 for merely running the anti-virus and rebooting... plus he’s willing to trade out for your virginity.

The Super Bowl
Pros- Great guacamole. Party with friends. Great halftime show.
Cons- Halftime show makes you long for Led Zeppelin. Your team is not playing. Your friends scarfed all the guacamole. Due to advancing age and an enlarged prostate, you spent most of the game in the bathroom.

Losing your job
Pros- No more “rat race.” It gives you a chance to “stick it to the man” by giving the finger to icons of the establishment by doing without things like insurance, food, housing and Christmas presents.
Cons- Chicks don’t really dig guys who have no insurance, food, housing... and their Christmas present will be you sitting at their dinner table.

Dogs
Pros- Doing it in front of your dog can satisfy your desires for public displays. Taking them out to crap at 3am gives you a chance to breathe in the fresh night air. Taking them in to stores and restaurants will strengthen your debating skills as you fend off an angry public. Hair becomes a condiment.
Cons- Spend the first 30 minutes of each day digging the hair out of your throat. Can only stay in “dogs allowed” hotels where housekeeping is optional... their option. When they’re old, after a lifetime of raising them, caring for them, worshipping them... the “caring” thing to do is kill them.

Cats
Pros- All of the scratches on your arms and legs give an excellent opportunity to apply some fragrant lotion. They have traits that remind you of your loving wife/girlfriend... they’re moody and aloof.
Cons- Wherever the litter box is, automatically becomes a “hazardous waste” area. They keep looking at you with that, “you’re an asshole” look. They go from walking in the litter box to walking on your kitchen counters. (“Hey, forget that sandwich... I’m not hungry anymore.”)

Right-wing radio
Pros- If you’re not sure, they’ll let you know if you’re patriotic. Warnings of Socialism/Communism bring back the rosy, nostalgic memories of your childhood. If a Republican is president, all gloomy, depressing economic reports will cease. Watching Sean Hannity makes you confident and proud that you’re not a little bitch.
Cons- You find out that you actually hate your country and the troops... that you want higher taxes and more spending... and that if you live on either coast, you’re un-American... just like Obama. Being told how to live by Glenn Beck... a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. Sarah Palin supporters getting a turn at the microphone.

Being a parent
Pros- Strengthens your nervous system. Your child may buy you a mansion one day. They’ll eventually feed you mush and change your diaper... just like you did for them. You’ll save a lot of money by not going to nice restaurants, concerts or four-star hotels.
Cons- You can give up the thought of sleeping really well... ever again.

Being President
Pros- Get that rugged, weathered look in just a few short years. Gets your mother-in-law off your back for at least four years. After it’s over, you can get rich just by giving your opinions to total strangers during dinner. Doing it on Air Force One.
Cons- An entire country transforms into a nagging wife. Blowjobs in the Oval Office are not allowed... except maybe by your wife who won’t do it anyway. Sean Hannity trashes you to millions of people every day and if you respond, you’re acting like a little baby.

Going to the doctor
Pros- Great magazines... especially if you find one with Goofus and Gallant. You probably look better than half of those poor bastards in the waiting room.
Cons- Your doctor has large hands. You think you might get a date with his hot nurse till you realize she knows from your chart that you have herpes. Getting your “oil” checked.

Dying
Pros- Get to find out if there is a God. You’ll be debt-free! Streets paved with pewter (hey, at least they’re paved... dammit, the economy’s in the toilet!).
Cons- No more Seinfeld reruns. You may go to Hell and be subjected to banjo music for all eternity. You suddenly find yourself in the “Hall of Ex-Girlfriends.”

Being a college graduate
Pros- Get to brag to others at the Welfare office that you have a four-year degree. Can use your degree to separate your seeds and stems.
Cons- Depression sets in as you realize that chicks in the real world aren’t as freaky as college girls. Can’t list drinking games on your resume.

Valentine’s Day
Pros- It’s a no-fail get laid day. It advances time... go from holding hands to lathering her up with honey and whipped cream... all in just one day.
Cons- Can be a relationship killer. You discover you’re allergic to rose pedals and spend the night in the E.R. looking like you’ve been beaten with a bag of doorknobs. Can be a pressure cooker if an important ballgame is on.

Fox News
Pros- Perfect for drinking games... slam down a shot every time they say “fair and balanced.” Fun trying to decide if Ann Coulter is a guy. Fascinating to watch how they can report and keep a straight face.
Cons- Female anchors all have that “nasty whore” look. Frequent appearances by Karl Rove may cause nausea.

Marrying/dating a musician
Pros- At a whopping hundred dollars a week, he’ll be “bringing home the bacon.” He’ll move in with you…count on it. He’ll fulfill your fantasies of being groped by a drunken stranger at 4am. Beer bottles all over the house can be turned into lovely flower holders.
Cons- Helping him “pursue his dreams.”

Smoking Pot
Pros- Anesthetizing yourself reduces stress. Those old Pink Floyd albums suddenly come in handy. Get to use lots of cool words like, “bogart,” “bud,” and “totally.”
Cons- Forty-pound bags of Oreos can be expensive. An ounce of pot costs as much as the week of groceries you’re suddenly hungering for.

Divorce
Pros- Can look forward to being really good friends with the woman who just carved you up like an Iron Chef.
Cons- You discover the wedding vows were really more metaphorical.

CNN News
Pros- Female correspondents are hottest in the biz. Ali Velshi looks sort of like Lex Luthor. You just know that Wolf Blitzer could kick Bill O’Reilly’s ass.
Cons- News clips from the first hour will be repeated endlessly for the next 23 hours. You come to the crushing realization that you can never have Kate Bolduan. Seventy straight days of “The Death of Michael Jackson.”

Facebook
Pros- (Still trying to find some)
Cons- People you hoped to never see again suddenly are able to find you. People you barely know are flooding your page with useless bullshit.

Wasted Wits
Pros- Low Internet traffic means you can list your phone number and no one will call you. Makes all the other humor sites look hilarious. Zero income makes filing a tax return for us much easier. Being a regular visitor makes people feel good about themselves... it’s like helping the homeless.
Cons- David and Eric still using it to try picking up chicks. Updates coincide with appearance of Halley’s Comet... every seventy-five years. Busy, wordy look makes it excruciating to read for anyone under fifty.