WASTED WITS: Blank Tabled Page

Soon, we’ll all be enjoying that singularly great pleasure of the “New Year Do-Over.” No matter how badly we screwed up last year, come January 1st, we get to try it again! Of course we realize the calendar is nothing more than a man-made artifice and January 1st is really like any other day… but we prefer to look at it as a fresh start. Sure, every day is a new adventure, but wouldn’t you like a sneak peek into the year ahead? Dammit, wouldn’t it help us get a leg up on life to know what’s coming? Then hold on to your pointy party hat and join us in the space-time continuum, because… to guarantee the survival of hope, we MUST give you:

	More of the Same Rap Music will still suck, Fiddy will count his million$, and white suburban teenage boys will still take their bitches to the prom.
Reality Hurts MTV’s Cribs will spin off a new show called *Hotplate*… showing us the homes of those artists who can actually play an instrument.
	Spears, Spears… More Spears Britney will get a Brazilian. Uh, not a wax job, but a man from Sao Paulo.
Truth In Advertising The Gilmore Girls return to TV for another run, this time under the title, *“Hot Mom and Daughter Speak In Clever, Snappy Sentences”.*
	Classic Rock Crumbling Yes, Keith Richards will continue to deteriorate.
No No To Rehab Amy Winehouse will win Grammy Gold in a new Category, *“The Crazy Bitch Award”.*
	Where The Hell Is Al Gore? The next President of the United States will be… a Republican, as the Democrats will probably blow it again.
Booty Mama Jennifer Lopez will write her autobiography titled, “Me and My Jungle Rump”.
	Thoughtless Little Pig Alec Baldwin will host a new game show called *“Straighten Your Ass Out!”* where parents will compete for cash and prizes to see who can dish out the harshest verbal abuse on their children.
Wanna Get Leid? The late Hawaiian singer, Don Ho’s daughter, Hoku, will begin her career as a rap artist under the name, “Lil’ Ho.”
	Go Get It Boy! Dog lovers will continue the trend of designer dogs. The most popular breed will be a mix of Shitzu and Golden Retriever. This amazing hybrid will actually pick up his own piles from the backyard and will be called a Shitz Retriever.
Don’t Be A Hero Rocker Billy Joel will continue to write and record classical music that no one’s ever heard or bought.
	Hair today… Gone Eighties hair band Poison will attempt a come-back and then abandon the project when they discover that now, between the four of them, they don’t have enough hair even for a bushy sideburn.
Eye Opener In a shocking revelation, former Guns N’ Roses guitarist, Slash, will reveal that he was born with no eyes.
	Same Old Bruce Springsteen will release a new CD. It will have stories of the road; of the disaffected; of life’s losers; of the lonely. It will sound like every other CD he’s released.
Two In The Bush George W. Bush will develop new strategies for responding to protesters.
	Children Of The Corn Orville Redenbacher’s family will order his body to be exhumed for autopsy, which will reveal the cause of his death to be from “Popcorn Balls.”
Don’t Wash It Away! In a show of solidarity, celebrities will dye their hair gray to support the induction of former Doobie Brother, Michael McDonald into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
	The Fertilizer Business Kirk Douglas, Pat Boone and Sid Caesar will die in 2008. We know that sounds harsh. Look at it this way; nobody can even understand Kirk these days. In 1997, Pat released “In A Metal Mood” — a collection of heavy metal covers; he has to die for that. And Sid Caesar just isn’t funny… never has been.
Ho Ho Hum The Jewish League, the Muslim Fundamentalists, and the Christian Coalition, all concur to ban traditional Christmas tunes, especially lame covers by fading pop stars, from public radio and music stores.
	Bloody Well Right Trouble erupts in the Wasted Wits complex when, during a particularly heated game of Rock Trivia, Eric and David’s argument over a Santana question dissolves into a bloody game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.