Here we are, six years into a new millennium, and, sometimes, after filling our days with a truckload of hilarity and zany fun, we cannot help but wonder… what is the greatest threat facing humankind?

Is it Global Warming? Is it speeches from Al Gore about Global Warming? How about the prospect of Brokeback Mountain II? The reconciliation of Nick and Jessica? The Pledge of Allegiance without “Under God?” American Idol XXV?

Take it easy, we’re just kidding about the Al Gore speeches. Seriously though, what is the greatest threat to our very existence? If you’ve often wondered this very thing, you’ve come to the right place, because we, at Wasted Wits, with our GEDs proudly framed and displayed on the wall, have got the answer.

"Over-population is our Achilles heel."

That’s right. One day, we ALL will be ass-to-elbow with our neighbors, fighting each other to the death for that last piece of chicken. After all, there’s only so much room.

So, how do we fix it? Birth control? Yeah, right. Birth control requires thoughtful planning by mature, intelligent individuals. I don’t know anyone like that.

No, it’s going to take some drastic measures. We are going to have to rethink how we live our lives. Hey, thousands of children have been born or conceived while you were reading this, so let’s not waste anymore time! Please enjoy our:

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE OVER-POPULATION PROBLEM

• Introduce “running with scissors” to the daily Kindergarten curriculum.
  
  
• Remove every Barry White record from the face of the Earth.
  
  
• Throw birth control pills instead of rice at every wedding.
  
  
• Tax breaks for those who refuse medical treatment.
  
  
• Remove all “Beware of dog” signs.
  
  
• Introduce a new Disney attraction: “The Enchanted Electric Chair.”
  
  
• Norm, the master carpenter, will no longer recommend using safety glasses during woodworking projects.
  
  
• Make it illegal to use headlights at night.
  
  
• Introduce new Boy Scout merit badge for “Land mine detection.”
  
  
• No more high school proms.
  
  
• Ban Viagra and introduce a new drug, “Niagara,” which causes unrelenting urination.
  
  
• During childhood games, replace the “hot potato,” with a live hand grenade.
  
  
• Anyone over the age of 70 must sign up for two years of military duty.
  
  
• Change the entire base of the Food Pyramid to “Big Macs.”
  
  
• Have a “Free Cigarettes Day,” at every major league ballpark.
  
  
• In sex education classes, teach that foreplay should always include a healthy amount of nagging.
  
  
• At the beach, parents should insist that children go right back into the water after a heavy meal.
  
  
• Mandatory “No CPR” tattoos after age 60, to be placed on the sternum between the nipples.
  
  
• Have doctors advise patients that dark, irregular skin growths that ooze or bleed are perfectly normal.
  
  
• Introduce a homeless "lottery" where the "winner" is cooked and served to the remaining homeless population.
  
  
• Baby’s first solid food? Olives!

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