Pluses-
She's already a pro at screwing people.
She's convicted of tax evasion, so she’s a born politician.
Her haggard and worn face makes me look younger.
We get full support from the powerful “hooker” lobby.

Minuses-
My name is possibly on her “John” lists.
I'll never know when she’ll be in prison.

Pluses-
She could land me those 18 million “Hillary” voters.
She would accept the post as sure as Michael Phelps shits in the pool.
A nice way to give the finger to that rat-bastard Obama.

Minuses-
One more melanoma out of me and she’ll be back throwing young, nubile interns out of the Oval Office.
9 million of those “Hillary” voters might be gone after a Jim Jones-style Kool-Aid party mourning her loss in the primary.

Pluses-
I'm the only man left who hasn’t gone mattress-dancing with Cher.
I could use her “Half-Breed” song in our anti-Obama ads.
She and Cindy McCain could swap plastic surgery stories.

Minuses-
Expensive Bob Mackie gowns would cause another Great Depression.
Her bull-dyke daughter, Chastity, would want to fix cars on the White House lawn.
She’ll probably outlive me, as well as everyone else on Earth.
Cher might start singing.

Pluses-
She’s one of the few people older than me.
Large, bulbous bazookas.
I could drag her around the stage at each rally like they did on “Dancing With The Stars.”

Minuses-
She acts like a confused, drunken sailor on shore leave.
She'll constantly interrupt my speeches to beg for higher scores from the judges.
She might refuse to leave the White House at the end of my term.

Pluses-
Already knows the Oval Office including that little nook under the president’s desk.
Could enjoy a good cigar with me.
Guaranteed blow-jobs.

Minuses-
Obama campaign comes back with that “Devil With The Blue Dress” song.
Linda Tripp hovering nearby.
Bill’s “sloppy seconds.”
Monica can’t keep her goddamn mouth shut.

Pluses-
She would lock up the “cuchi-cuchi” vote.
With her former hubby 51 years her senior, she’s used to hanging out with fossils like me.
Staring at those double-D “pointer sisters.”

Minuses-
Half of the Hispanics don’t know who the hell she is.
The other half can’t understand her.
That voice. That accent. That voice.
She might suddenly get called away to a “Hollywood Squares” taping.

Pluses-
None come to mind.

Minuses-
Her campaign speech: “America, I feel... your heart and... your passion. I... you... we... it’s just very emotional and... you’re all superstars. What can I say... I’m a fan.”
Her last name, “Abdul” would embolden the Terrorists.
The campaign could be lost if she decides to sing the National Anthem.

Pluses-
She's blacker than Obama.
Big women make me feel “safe.”

Minuses-
She could strain the campaign food budget.
The “Queen” part of her name a little too “Freddy Mercury-ish.”
If I win, there would be a black Vice-President.

Pluses-
She could nail down the “Lazy-bouffant-haired-poorly-educated-women-who-lie-around-all-day-eating-bonbons” vote.

Minuses-
She chain smokes.
She frequently calls in sick for bikini waxing.
I would have to offer Al Bundy a Cabinet post.
A possible affair with Joe the Plumber.
She might be called up for a “Where Are They Now” segment.

Pluses-
She's a legend in cleaner advertising.
She'd kick Joe The Plumber’s ass back to Ohio.
She's never been on “Dances With The Stars.”

Minuses-
She's not as attractive as “Betty The Brick-Layer” or “Carol The Caulker.”
The poll numbers might drop when she ships Comet Cleanser to the troops to help “clean up Iraq.”
She's primarily a misty-eyed TV memory for aging baby boomers.

Pluses-
She has Sarah Palin’s looks, clothes and glasses — without the ball-breaker personality.
Everyone loves those crazy SNL chicks.
We could possibly also get Amy Poehler for half price.
Free campaign exposure on SNL.
She isn’t a “breeder” like the real Sarah Palin.

Minuses-
Her Palin voice will turn my bratwurst into a breakfast link.
She refuses to leave New York City — ever.
There's always a chance that Alec Baldwin will show up.