Ellen DeGeneres - America's favorite lesbian, Ellen is cute, she's funny, she's wealthy, and, while she may not be the greatest dancer, she does look sort of hot when she shakes her fanny on her TV show. What's really cool is that she was brave enough to come out of the closet... and she still has a job. Let the lesbian bigots call her "Ellen Degenerate."

We proudly place her on our list and still believe, deep in our hearts, that Herman the One-Eyed German could bring her back to where she once belonged.

Cat Cora - The only female Iron Chef, Cat Cora isn't just hot for a lesbian, she's smoking hot, period. Why did she change teams? This mystery causes us many sleepless nights... late nights spent watching the beautiful Cat Cora twirl her spatula while she whips up another amazing gourmet meal.

So, what secret ingredient could rend Iron Chef Cat Cora away from her legions of lesbian admirers? We say unto you in the words of men everywhere: Tube Steak Smothered in Underwear!

Catie Curtis - Boston-based, singer-songwriter, Catie Curtis possesses that soft, "lesbian-next-door" look. A gentle soul, she's comfortable with who she is and she speaks as gracefully as she sings. She's been with her partner, Liz for about eleven years and they have two adopted children.

So why wouldn't she leave all of that to "worship the bald-headed Jesus" of some hairy, lying tomcat? Beats the hell out of us.

Cynthia Nixon - Miranda, The Sarcastic One from Sex And The City, has apparently developed a taste for twisted tacos. We always thought Miranda was the "dark horse" of the four Sex And The City friends. Neurotic? Yep. Bitchy? Sometimes. But she was sexy and smart...an attractive combination indeed. And now she apparently has herself a serious case of Poontang Fever.

Our recommendation? A 100% all-beef thermometer, of course.

Leisha Hailey - This almond-eyed beauty stars on the hit lesbian-themed show, “The L Word”, as Alice Pieszecki, a bisexual journalist. Bisexual on the show, Leisha is a lesbo in real life, having "come out" after high school. Of special note is that she dated songstress, K.D. Lang for several years. Anyone want to take a wild guess as to which one tackled the honey-do list in that relationship?

Yeah, Leisha Hailey is a real cutie-pie, but the Wasted Wits Team would like to offer her a few "L Words" of our own, that just may change her mind: Love Lollipop, Lickin' Stick, Lincoln Log, Love Pump...

Jodie Foster - Beautiful and talented, actress Jodie Foster has sort of unwillingly become, "The Great Lesbian Hope." If only she would just admit to what we all already know: she muff dives. That would surely bring loads of legitimacy to any number of gay causes. Unfortunately, the violent actions of that nut-case, John Hinckley, probably ensured that her private life would always remain private. Nevertheless, Jodie possesses a lethal combination of brains and beauty that transforms our "Little Man Tate" into a wad of "Huge Throbbing Taters."

Yes, we're aware of how ridiculous that sounded.

Guinevere Turner - Actress, writer, director, Guinevere Turner is a gorgeous brunette dyke (her terminology), who was raised in a commune and takes three showers a day. What's not to love? She also possesses one of our favorite character traits... she can poke fun at herself.

In fact, if you took Rosie O'Donnell and mated her with Catherine Zeta Jones' father, and the child came out looking nothing like Rosie, but, instead, looked a helluva lot like Catherine Zeta Jones, THAT would be Guinevere Turner.

Kristanna Loken - This exquisite Norwegian-American actress and former fashion model is just too doggoned hot-looking to be "eating lunch at the Y." Best known as the Terminatrix in "T3 - Rise Of The Machines," Kristanna put on fifteen pounds of muscle for the role.

Rumor has it that she was kicking Arnold's ass by day and hunting for Hoo-Ha at night, using her special powers to present herself as an exact copy of Angelina Jolie... as easy as hunting cows with a machine gun.

Jackie Warner - Fitness trainer, Jackie is blonde, taut, and she looks like she'll kick your ass in a New York Minute. After the exposure from her Bravo network reality show, “Work Out”, she has found herself to be regarded as a "lesbian's lesbian."

In fact, of all the ladies listed here, Warner, with a killer smile and the smile of a killer, may be the one lesbian we'd never be able to convert to heterosexuality. We know, we know...it's amazing to us, too!

Anne Heche - Were you secretly wondering if she would make the list? Yay verily, our glorious list would not be complete without "The Lesbian Who Could Not Decide!"
If you've ever thought your life was crap, just check out this brief tally on Anne: Claims her father molested her during childhood, giving her herpes. Her Dad later disclosed his homosexuality and died of AIDS. Her brother was killed in a car accident. She also claimed to have an alter ego that was the daughter of God and half-sibling of Jesus, named Celestia, who had contacts with alien life forms.
Now get your head out of the oven and be thankful!  But, of course, it was her messy breakup with Ellen Degeneres that sealed her fate in the minds of lesbians everywhere. You don't screw with Ellen.

For us though, here is the most painful aspect of the Anne Heche story: She's hot. And, she appears to be the most successful lesbian-to-hetero conversion on record.... But she's too nuts even for us! And that, dear friends, is saying something.