We’re from Florida. I’d say that we’re just about as “native” as you can get--an increasing rarity these days. If your family has lived here for several generations, then you're a “Florida Cracker”. That’s us. If you were born here, then you are at least a "Sand Crab". Oh, we know these terms can be a pejorative to some, but we embrace them. Hell, we encourage them! You can’t miss Florida. Even pre-schoolers can look at a map and see that piece of real estate hanging off the southeastern edge of the United States like some swollen sickly appendix.

Floridians love to tell people, “You’re never more than 60-70 miles from the ocean.” You hear that a lot. You hear it mostly from people who live 60-70 miles from the ocean and haven’t been to the beach in twenty years. Some of you may think you know the real Florida. Well, we’re here to say you only THINK you know the real Florida.

As a public service--most assuredly NOT endorsed by the Florida Tourism Industry--Wasted Wits has decided to teach a little “Florida 101.” At the end of our lesson, you’ll either be shopping here for oceanfront property or you’ll vow to never set foot in the Land Of Burt Reynolds and The Suwannee River again. So, kick off your shoes and relax with some boiled peanuts and some good old “sweet tea,” as we fill you in on:

WHAT ONLY THE LOCALS CAN TELL YOU ABOUT FLORIDA

  In Florida, a “blow job” involves winds greater than 75mph.
  Despite our proximity to the beach, our hookers are practically sand-free.
In other states, a rodent is killed on sight. In Florida, we build monuments to it and charge 60 dollars a head to get in.
Some states offer tourists putt-putt golf, or tours of stately historic battlefields. Our visitors stare death in the face in close encounters with deadly reptiles.

Dr. Ruth has predicted that future geographical changes from over-crowding, over-development and frequent, monstrous hurricanes in the entire gulf coast region could, psychologically, make Florida even more attractive to perverts, deviants and drifters, than it already is.
You can head down to our southern tip and enjoy sun and surf only 90 miles from a ruthless communist dictator!
Vacationing diabetics who may have forgotten their insulin supplies can take a leisurely stroll along our beaches and find all of the supplies they may need.
Those vacationers who are concerned for their safety in this post-9/11 world can gain comfort in knowing that our Governor is a member of the Bush Dynasty... just like the president!
We’d like to put to rest a silly urban legend: Cuban sandwiches actually have almost no Cubans in them at all.
Ponce de Leon’s fabled search for the “Fountain Of Youth,” was just a diversion to keep Mrs. de Leon from discovering he was really at the Seminole Titty Bar.
Once a year, Daytona boasts the largest gathering of rednecks in the world. They sit and watch fast cars go round and round and wait for them to crash. Most are named Bubba. They’re hairy. They’re drunk. It’s more entertaining than it sounds.
Floridians get extremely insulted when they hear out-of-state visitors refer to Miami as the “asshole of America.” Everyone here knows that Orlando is actually the asshole of America.
You can drive on many of our beaches! Unfortunately, you still may get stuck behind a slow-moving Cadillac with its turn signal flashing.
You’ve heard of the Federal law that, upon reaching the age of 85, all Americans must retire to south Florida? It’s not true. They’ve lowered that to 82.
When swimming in our popular rivers and springs, please do not disturb the large, blubbery, slow-moving, thick-nosed mammals you may see swimming nearby. Also, please do not disturb the Manatees.
If you look up ahead and see what looks like 7-8 pounds of ground sirloin in the middle of the road, don’t worry about it. It’s probably just one of those wacky Florida armadillos.
After a few weeks of sun and surf, please feel free to ask one of our locals to check your upper torso for melanomas!
Don’t even THINK about committing murder in Florida. We kill people for that.
Florida is one of the few states that has no state income tax. To make this possible, we tax the hell out of tourists like you. Thank you for picking up our tab!
Are we alone? Floridians have known the answer to this age-old question for years. As a matter of fact, aliens from other worlds are living among us and have started a whole other sub-species of human, right here in The Sunshine State.

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