WASTED WITS: Keepin' It Real

“Keeping it real.” This phrase is heard more and more these days in the public lexicon. Coming out of the African-American culture, it’s usually used to describe someone’s own sort of “personal truth.” Frequently, this “truth” is simply used as a cover for the speaker’s own ignorance.

For example, take this excerpt from a Chris Rock comedy routine:

Rock: Nothing makes a brother happier than not knowing the answer to your question:
(first person):"What's the capital of Zaire?"
(brother):"Shit, I don't know that!... Just keepin' it REAL!"
Rock: Yeah, real DUMB!

We at Wasted Wits prefer to think of “keeping it real” as simply scraping away the varnish of political correctness. Admittedly, we love the simplicity of it. As we look out over the pop culture landscape, we see many examples of media whitewashing where the public is fed a popularly accepted “truth” that is never challenged or even questioned. In other words, what we’re told is quite different from the real truth. We now hope to change all of that. Yes, my friends, love us or hate us for this bit… we don’t care, as long as you laugh along to:

KEEPIN' IT REAL

Anna Nicole Smith
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD Poor Anna Nicole Smith, this generation’s Marilyn Monroe, led a tragic life. Coming from a poor childhood, the former Playboy bunny used her beauty and personality to place her on the covers of the top gossip magazines and establish her as one of the hottest celebrities of the day. KEEPIN' IT REAL This brainless bimbo parlayed a boob job and a genetic lack of inhibition into a career as a real-life blow-up doll. After her stint as a Playboy Bunny, she married 90-year-old oil billionaire, J. Howard Marshall, who, at the time of his death, reportedly weighed less than Anna’s left titty. This generation’s Marilyn Monroe? Pill-for-pill, maybe. Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be... Anna Nicole Smith.
Simon Cowell
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD American Idol’s Simon Cowell, a shrewd judge of talent, may ruffle a few feathers with his special brand of brutal honesty, but you have to admire him for saying what’s on his mind; at least you know where you stand with Simon. KEEPIN' IT REAL A size XXX ego stuffed into a size small t-shirt, this tight-assed Englishman has somehow convinced us that rudeness is a virtue! American Idol has shown us two things about Simon: The man has a taste for brown sugar, and he’s a classic schoolyard bully. How about we take away the bodyguards and the cameras and see how “brutally honest” he’ll be…under the threat of an ass-whupping?
The War In Iraq
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD We’re fighting them over there so we won’t have to fight them over here. Freedom is on the march. We’re winning. Saddam Hussein is a brutal dictator. KEEPIN' IT REAL Saddam Hussein was a brutal dictator.
The Katrina Disaster
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD We’re making rapid progress in New Orleans. The city will come back even better than before. The levees have been rebuilt even stronger than they were before. This city will unite and work together. KEEPIN' IT REAL Thank God the French Quarter was spared!
Valentine's Day
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD Valentine’s Day is that special day of the year for you to show your baby how much you care! Candy, flowers, a romantic dinner… pull out all the stops and show her how much she means to you! KEEPIN' IT REAL This day is a potential relationship-killer. If you blow it, you’ll be spending your weekend evenings curled up with a girlie magazine.
MySpace.com
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD Isn’t it great to have an online community for young people to network, socialize, and make new friends? KEEPIN' IT REAL Isn’t it great to have an online community for perverts, deviants, and child molesters to more easily find and target their victims?
Rap Music
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD Combining the gritty prose and edgy rhythms of the street, Rap Music gives a voice to an entire subculture that previously had been ignored by the music business. KEEPIN' IT REAL Who knows what they're rapping about? It's a goddamn gold mine!
Marriage
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD The blissful union of two hearts beating as one. You’re not just gaining a spouse; you’re gaining a friend, a lover, and lifelong companion. KEEPIN' IT REAL Welcome to a lifetime of having your spouse use his/her exquisite knowledge of your every weakness as a weapon against you, anytime you’re feeling a little too good about yourself.
Organic Foods
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD Pure wholesomeness, all natural, untouched by human hands, the fastest way to healthy living. KEEPIN' IT REAL Instead of using artificial fertilizers they grow it in livestock dung… yeah, that sounds wholesome. Instead of keeping insects and birds away with proven safe pesticides they let the varmints crawl and gnaw away… real natural. And with all the savings in fertilizer and pesticides you’d figure it would cost less… nope. Take your nine dollar bag of carrots and get the hell out of here.
Cell Phones
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD Cell phones have revolutionized the way we communicate. They allow us to stay in constant touch with friends, family and business associates. It’s hard to imagine the days before cell phones. KEEPIN' IT REAL “Hey man, how’s it goi…..hello? Hello? Are you there? I think I lost you!”
Class Reunions
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD A magical evening reminiscing with old friends, meeting their spouses, and catching up on the wonderful and exciting years since high school. KEEPIN' IT REAL An evening spent sizing up the chicks that wouldn’t give you the time-of-day in high school. Leaving the party, you positively glow as the single-again old bags literally beg you for a round of the “horizontal mambo.”
Handicapped Parking
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD Handicapped parking provides, for those less fortunate members of society, a closer spot to their driving destination. This is a humane and simple way to aid them as they deal with their illness. KEEPIN' IT REAL If the sumbitches can drive, how handicapped can they be? If they’re going to steal my parking spot, they’d best be limping into the store.
Computer Repairmen
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD That intricate collection of circuitry and microchips is too complicated for a rank amateur to fix. It’s best to leave your computer with a professional who will return it to you in perfect condition and for a fair price. KEEPIN' IT REAL The computer “expert” is just going to run the anti-virus, defrag it, reboot it, and then return it to you… along with a big bill for the “professional” repair.
National Geographic Magazine
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD National Geographic has been bringing the world to our front door for many years. Combining world-class photography with insightful, passionate journalism, it serves as our window to the far-away regions of the Earth, always keeping a keen eye toward preserving the Earth’s precious natural wonders. KEEPIN' IT REAL National Geographic was a key part of our first sexual experience. The rich, color photos of naked tribal women formed the fabric of our first meaningful relationships. Its influence was a lasting one which explains why we have such a strong attraction to African women with 2-foot long, tube-like breasts... and a guilt-ridden subscription to National Geographic still.
WastedWits.com
	WHAT WE’RE TOLD A fun, irreverent romp of immature humor that, at first, may seem a bit mean-spirited, but actually is just a goof. KEEPIN' IT REAL Two old guys trying to use humor to pick up chicks.

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