The Heat Is On
by The Isley Brothers

Especially hot, are tracks 4, 5, & 6 beginning with one of the greatest ballads ever, “For The Love Of You,” then “Sensuality,” and finishing with “Make Me Say It Again Girl.” These three tunes are the Holy Trinity of make-out music. As a matter of fact, they’re so intense that she may be feel she’s about to be sacrificed to the Gods. It’s okay Honey... just relax. Ronald Isley’s about to sing those britches off.

Talking Book
by Stevie Wonder

Stevie offers you your own personal soul mix tape with hip-grinding ballads and stanky funk. Highlights include “You and I,” “Tuesday Heartbreak” and “Superstition.” Just leave the lights off. Stevie didn’t need them when he recorded this and you won’t need them either. Especially effective for blind dates.

The Ultimate Collection
by Barry White

Everyone knows that Barry was the MAN. With a voice as deep as the Mississippi mud, the resonance of his vocals could register a 3.5 on the Richter scale so be forewarned if you happen to live in California. Any track will work, but check out “I’m Gonna Love You Just A Little More Baby,” and “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love Babe.” One more thing: Don’t let your date get a look at Barry’s mug on the CD cover. It’ll be like dousing her with ice water.

Switched On Bach
by Walter/Wendy Carlos

Have this one on stand-by in case you’re not really sure which gender you'll be dating that evening.

Let’s Get It On
by Marvin Gaye

Let’s face it; any Marvin Gaye album will do the job, but this CD happens to be one of our faves. The title track, “You Sure Love To Ball” and “Distant Lover” should be sure-fire icebreakers. For you neophytes, Marvin Gayes’ music usually can be counted on to provide what’s known as the “David Copperfield Effect.” That is, at about mid-song… your date’s blouse just disappears. Swear to God.

Greatest Hits
by Al Green

This collection should be federally regulated for its molten lava effect on female hormones. Do not play this CD unless you’re in excellent shape with an Olympian cardiovascular reserve. It might even be a good idea to have a few of those little blue pills on hand too... in case a four-hour erection becomes necessary. We’re not kidding. Every song is killer but “Let’s Stay Together” is the shining star here. Hell, I’ve been alone and played this CD... and wound up making out with myself.

O
by Damien Rice

You won’t have to share your good liquor tonight. You won’t need it with “O” spinning in the CD player. This sensitive Irishman is sort of a Pied Piper of Poontang. Like an exotic snake charmer, Rice and his collection of exquisite tunes will rearrange your date’s DNA and render her helpless in your arms; despite that cheap-ass cologne you’re wearing. Highlights are “Delicate,” “The Blower’s Daughter,” “Volcano” and “Cold Water.” And if you happen to be the Wing Man that night---dating your best buddy’s girlfriend’s girlfriend, who happens to have a glass eye and a wooden leg---just close your eyes and concentrate on the sexy, angelic voice of the lovely Lisa Hannigan who appears on most of the songs.

Any Foo Fighter or
Def Leppard CD

You may be saying: “Hey, that’s not make-out music!!”

It is if you bring home a chick all tattooed up with spiked-out hair. But you need to know; she’s not there to make out; though that may well happen. She’s there to party. So turn up the music and break out the booze... and lots of it. Music-wise, if you find yourself in a bind, any AC/DC album will do. And for God’s sakes, put on a condom… and maybe some gloves.

Room For Squares
by John Mayer

This is a great make-out record. Every song is right in the pocket. When you put this one on, she’ll realize that you have the stink of John Mayer all over you and she will be unable to resist. “Your Body Is A Wonderland” may be sort of wimpy but chicks love it, especially that line, “I’ll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it.” Save this record for the nice-girl-next-door type who just wants to get a little naughty for one evening.

Dark Side Of The Moon
by Pink Floyd

Besides it being an absolute classic, this CD will make her think you’re gonna break out the weed any minute. But don’t forget to sync it up to The Wizard Of Oz playing on the flat-screen... it will give her something to watch and ponder while you pillage and plunder.

Anything by The Sisters of Mercy or Rosetta Stone

We include these just to be as comprehensive as possible. If you happen to bring home a Goth chick (and we’re not sure why you would, unless her breasts are large enough to affect tides.), this music will get you through it. Hell, it may even be the most fun you’ve had since that last eye surgery. And, hey, even if there’s no chemistry there, you can always give her advice on how to kill herself... afterwards.

Quando, Quando, Quando
by Michael Buble with Nelly Furtado

Pull this tune out with an older chick; one that’s just short of old enough to be your mother. Dammit, don’t laugh. An older woman has the experience to rock your world. Plus, you’ll get to play like Hugh Hefner with the robe and the martini. Beware though, because older women play for keeps and there’s a good chance you’ll get eaten alive. In fact, just in case you turn up missing, leave a message in a sealed envelope with your best buddy... but do him a favor and include the woman’s phone number. After all, why should you have all the fun?

When Did You Fall In Love With Me?
by Chris Rice

Okay, you’ve dated every type of chick known to man from every low-life level of society. But tonight, your date is sweet, classy, and intelligent. In other words, she’s a keeper and she’s way out of your league so don’t blow it. And, for God’s sake, don’t be groping her like a teenager at a spin-the-bottle party. Be a human being for once in your life and show her some respect. This Chris Rice tune will fit the bill perfectly.

You’re welcome.
 

Seventy-Six Trombones
from The Music Man

Odd choice, huh? Not so odd when you’ve heard our explanation. You bring this chick back to your place; get all cozy on the couch and suddenly, you discover a herpes sore on her lip the size of the Rosetta Stone. Holy shit! Turn up the lights and start blasting the marching music. Ask her if she’d like to see some photos of your old girlfriends. If you can summon a fart or two, now would be the right time... away from an open flame of course. A nice rancid bowel ghost will always put an abrupt end to a potential make-out session.