Gallant believes people should be allowed to come here and work. He believes in compassion and common sense and says that Americans will not clean the pools at fancy homes, or pick lettuce all day, so the Mexicans must do it. Gallant’s reasoning is "If they will work for half of what Americans will work for, why not let them?"

Goofus believes we should build a towering, high-voltage electric fence along the Mexican-American border to keep the illegals out. Those who attempt to scale the structure and illegally cross into the United States would be immediately roasted, and could then be used as food for the homeless. He is concerned how we will build a fence to keep the Mexicans out, without using Mexicans to build it. Goofus states that he has always supported Mexican-Americans and has seen every Cheech & Chong movie.

Gallant believes in a "culture of life." He feels that simply not having sex is the best way to reduce abortions. He also claims to practice what he preaches, reminding others of his own still-intact virginity at the age of 48.

Goofus believes abortion clinics should offer drive-through services and "frequent flyer" coupons; after ten abortions, the customer would receive the eleventh abortion for free. He believes that birth control is strictly the woman's responsibility because, logically, how can a man concentrate on birth control when he's focused on banging beaver? Goofus does not believe in condoms, as he usually finds it difficult to apply them and hold the girl down at the same time.

Gallant strongly believes that people should just say no to drugs. He promises to increase funding for more aggressive drug education, treatment & enforcement. His slogan for the anti-drug program will be: "Please do not use drugs." He will also make available to the public, a new study that has found crack cocaine to be bad for you.

Goofus is for legalizing marijuana and promises to provide Americans with “better and cheaper shit." In a major boost for the dairy industry, Goofus will reveal a cheap new drug that's produced in a special process using Crystal Lite and cottage cheese. It will be known by the street name, "Nasal Curds." He believes that Roofies should be legal for those who have no car, no job and who still live with their parents, stating, "Those guys need all the help they can get."

Gallant realizes that gas is expensive and hopes that the voters just trust that he will do the right thing. He suggests that everyone should drive less or car pool and says he is very sorry for the hardships that people are enduring. If elected President, he will ride in a limousine and will not have to pay for gas and he is sorry for that too.

Goofus believes there's plenty of blame to go around on this issue. He suggests maybe we could invade an oil rich Middle Eastern country, depose their leader and set up a new government. That would almost guarantee us cheap gasoline. In the meantime, he sincerely hopes all those friggin' soccer moms driving their hummers and SUV's are happy. Goofus promises you he will do everything in his power to see that their perky little asses are soon planted into the seat of a scooter.

Gallant loves nature and believes that vast amounts of timber can be removed, and oil obtained without harming the land. He believes that Big Business and nature can live in harmony. To prove his commitment to the environment, Gallant promises that, as President, he will try to include a tree in every photo op.

Goofus' position on the environment is as follows: "Mother Nature is a bitch. I believe these crazy changes in the environment are due to a global hormonal crisis: Mother Nature is going through menopause. Look at the evidence: It was water retention that destroyed New Orleans. The melting polar ice caps are a direct result of a global hot flash. Can ANYONE look at hurricane-ravaged Florida and say Mother Nature isn't having mood swings and irritability? Her difficulty in concentrating was a direct cause of the 2004 tsunami in southeast Asia; one day she was controlling the tides, everything was cool, and then GITCHEE GOOMEE... she let a few waves get away from her. I won't even mention the Red Tides or the Red River Valley. I believe a booking on Oprah and a session or two with Dr. Phil could put Mother Nature in a better mood."

Gallant believes we must stay the course. He also states that we are fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them over here. Freedom is on the march. He fully supports the troops and wishes he could join them in the fight, but if something bad happened to him, who would be President?

Goofus believes that our troops should be replaced by all of those media chicken hawks who are so gung-ho to go to war but never served in the military themselves. Right-wind pundits, Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh could bring their fire and brimstone style of debate to the streets of Baghdad where their pro-Bush rants would be sure to attract quite a crowd. And, if they happened to be kidnapped, and then call the U.S. to plead for their rescue, we could let them talk for about 30 seconds before shouting them down and then hanging up on them. Sound familiar?

Gallant cares about the health of this nation and promises to push for a new program called, "Health Care." This will put "caring" at the forefront of any conversation regarding health. To implement his plan, he has assembled a team of corporate health advisors to work on the "Health Care" plan, including Kentucky Fried Chicken, Coca Cola, and Land O' Lakes butter.

Goofus has a very detailed list of health care goals: Only those with small hands may train in Proctology. He will increase the goddamn funding for Tourettes Syndrome. Chiropractors will be declared as "Not a real doctor." Any patient found to have a tumor weighing greater than 100 pounds will be euthanized on the grounds of stupidity. Any woman claiming to be shocked at giving birth, when she thought she had just been a little bloated will receive the same treatment... for the same reason. Ditto for any person coming to the E.R. with any inanimate object stuck inside their rectum. No one will ever again say that we are the only industrialized nation without universal health care... we still won't have universal health care, but we just won't let anyone say it. Finally, Goofus will strongly urge men to date a nurse, because they really know the anatomy.

Gallant believes that if you have two apples and someone gives you three apples, you will then have five apples, and that makes good economic sense. He believes that giving rich people more money will help poor people by creating a rising tide that will lift all of the boats. If you do not have a boat, he will see that low-interest loans are available to buy one.

Goofus believes, for the sake of the economy, taxes should be increased, especially on assholes. If assholes want to live in the greatest country on earth, they'll have to pay. There are so many of them, that it couldn't help but boost the economy. He believes in taxing anyone renting more than 10 videos in a weekend. He believes in taxing those assholes that willingly fork up $5.00 for a cup of coffee. He believes in taxing those who buy fast food with a goddamn credit card. He believes in taxing those people who tell you that any service needed after 11 am on Friday... will have to wait until Monday. He believes in taxing anyone who uses the phrase "At the end of the day." He believes in taxing those businesses whose phones are answered with "Your call will be answered in the order it was received." He believes in taxing those drivers who brake when merging into traffic. He believes in taxing women who get their tits enlarged, and then are insulted when men stare at them. Now, Goofus realizes there's no realistic way to tax these folks; he hopes to use the bully pulpit to shame them into extinction.

Gallant supports all rights for Gays and urges tolerance. Unfortunately, God does not like Gays and does not want them to have rights or marry.

Goofus believes that God has one helluva sense of humor. He creates gay people and sprinkles them throughout the country living side by side with the hetero population. Then he makes a hit TV show out of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. He then sends Brokeback Mountain to the Oscars. Then he gives lesbian desires to most of the female population between the ages of 17 and 25. And all of this is going on with the religious extremists in power... the same folks who swear that this is NOT what Jesus would want. What would Jesus want? Hmmm. Jesus never did get married did he? They say his personality "drew men to him." Were any of those disciples chicks? He could whip up a fabulous meal for five thousand using just bread and fish. Yeah, God has one helluva sense of humor.

Homeland Security is very important to Gallant and he has designed a three-step plan to ensure that we never again, have another September 11. 1.) Make it against the law to fly planes into tall buildings. 2.) Anyone badly needing a shave and carrying a box cutter at an airport will be detained... no questions asked. 3.) Ground all flights every year on September 11.

Goofus believes that hookers should be spearheading the effort to secure the Homeland. CIA operatives will guide our lovely ladies of the evening toward their swarthy targets and, clad in fishnet burkas and scented with hummus and garlic, these street whores will be irresistible to our enemy. Why use hookers? Just think about it. At what moment are men most vulnerable? That's right, in those first ten minutes after "taking the camel for a drink," those terrorists will no longer be worshipping Bin Laden... they'll be praying to poontang. They won't even be able to find their way to the airport. And if we can talk the girls into waiving their regular 3-month health checkup, we can send those desert rats back home with the gift that keeps on giving... herpes.

Gallant believes that having an education is a good thing. Without an education, a person would never be able to make an educated guess. He also is a strong believer in substitute teachers and is sorry that everyone cannot afford to go to Yale as he did.

Goofus believes that education, especially after middle school, is highly overrated. Sure, we all have to be able to read and write, but we learn that in elementary school. The high school years are better-spent getting laid and smoking weed. After all, Goofus was not the best student, and now he is running for President. He does recommend that every American learn to speak Spanish so as to make the 11 million illegal immigrants in the country more comfortable in their new home.

Gallant believes that all nations on Earth should live in peace and harmony. If there is an international dispute, he will be willing to share, in order to resolve it. If he is unable to resolve it, he will then design a policy that will resolve it.

Goofus says his foreign policy goals will be to make the rest of the world more like us. By the time he's through, The Queen of England will be knighting people by tapping them on each shoulder with a southern fried chicken leg. Families around the world will no longer enjoy the evening meal together, sharing stories and laughing; they'll all eat in separate rooms and watch TV... just like us. Imagine a world with Germans drinking Miller Lite, the Swiss pounding down Hershey's chocolate, and the French dans l'amour over Twinkies and Fruit Roll-Ups. And if this Americanization of the world isn't popular, Goofus says our 10,000 nukes still ensure that they can all kiss our ass.

Gallant will work to ban meaningless humorless drivel from the Internet, with WASTED WITS the first to go. He believes their comedic tooth decay should be drilled and capped.

Goofus will promote the idea that two people have the right to entertain themselves with childish observations... even if no one else is entertained. Goofus feels a kinship with the WASTED WITS crew and hopes that somehow if he hangs around their headquarters long enough, he'll be able to score some sloppy seconds... Presidential sloppy seconds. Unfortunately, at WASTED WITS there are no chubby girls stuffed under the desks.