WASTED WITS: Etiquette Quiz

Etiquette: Rules governing socially acceptable behavior.
Dilemma: A state of uncertainty, requiring a choice between equally unfavorable options.

   We’ve all been in situations where we were torn between what we wanted to do and what would be considered more socially acceptable. For instance, in creating this website, we had a choice of providing humorous material that would enlighten, and sometimes even inspire people, while brightening their day… or we could provide the comedic equivalent of refined white sugar; tasty sure, but with the initial rush of pleasure soon followed by feelings of guilt and shame. Obviously, we chose the latter.

   Here, we ask the question: “What would you do if presented with vexing dilemmas of etiquette? Pass the cursor over each answer to reveal your "grade". Have fun with our:

1. The father of one of the boys on your child's soccer team is constantly screaming profanities on the sidelines. What do you say?

"Please, Mr. So-and-So, there are children present."

You tell the coach about the man.

You beat the hell out of him, embarrassing him in front of his family.

2. What can you say to someone who uses the treadmill at the gym long past her time limit?

Say, "You've been on the treadmill for the past half hour. I'm impressed with your stamina, but the sign over there says there's a 20-minute limit during peak periods. If I could use the treadmill in the next five minutes, I'd be grateful."

Tell the person at the desk.

Unplug the machine and say "I think you’ve been churning that butter long enough, honey."

3. You just saw someone double-dip (take a bite out of a dip-laden chip, then dip it in the salsa again), and you're annoyed. What can you say?

Sidle up to the culprit and say something like, "Did you see that story on the news about how a bunch of people in Maryland became ill from that strange virus? Doctors think they may have contracted it by double-dipping Triscuits in crab dip at a party."

Say, "Please just dip the chip once. It’s more sanitary."

Bring up some gooey DNA from your lower lobe and spit it into the dip, saying, "Want some lung cookies with that?"

4. You’re at a fancy party, using the upstairs bathroom. After you finish your business, you notice there’s no toilet paper in the room. What do you do?

Use the guest towel.

Use your underwear, and go "commando", leaving your undies in the bottom of the trashcan.

Take a shower.

5. You've been out of touch with a former girlfriend for eight years, and you feel awkward about contacting her. What do you say to reconnect?

"Gosh, I've been thinking of you a lot lately, Alice, and I thought I'd try to track you down and see what you've been up to.”

"On the way to get my ten million dollar Lotto check, I saw an old friend who gave me your number."

"Alice, I have cancer."

6. You are having a very informal luncheon where the only silverware will be a fork. Should it be placed on the left or right side of the plate?

The fork always goes to the left side of the plate.

It goes to the right side of the plate.

Who cares? You’re eating on paper frickin’ plates!

7. The ideal party size is:

As many people, as the room will comfortably hold.

As many people as you think will get along.

Figure one female guest for each "Roofie" you have, and invite only your very best buddies who can keep their mouths shut.

8. Two people have asked me if my pregnancy is planned. I guess it's because my boyfriend and I are not married. What should I tell them?

"Our child will be loved and wrapped in the sweet glow of God's love."

"We have always planned to have a child and this seemed to be good timing."

"Yes, it was "planned". Our "planning" began when I stepped out of the shower; nude, and all squeaky clean. Then, our "planning" was finished by track 4 of "Barry White’s Greatest Hits," or after his 43rd "Oh baby".

9. You’re at an elegant dinner party with six people at your table. Suddenly, that chili you had at lunch comes back to haunt you as you reluctantly release a bowel ghost that begins to rise and permeate the entire area with the stench of your lower colon. How should you react?

Ignore it.

Excuse yourself from the table and head to the restroom.

Say, "Well, it’s obvious to me from the smell of this steak that it came from the ass-end of the cow!"

10. Your boss considers you to be a conscientious, intelligent person of high character, and a value to the company. One day your boss catches you surfing the Wasted Wits website at work. What should you do?

You say, "I think my computer has a virus."

You feign a stroke, drooling from one corner of your mouth and mumbling incoherently.

You say, "A group from Special Olympics was touring the office and I let some of the kids use my computer."