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John Edwards, Former U.S. Senator (D) North
Carolina - John Edwards’ career was built on working for the poverty-stricken, on honesty, and on the values one would expect from the son of a millworker. He ran an honorable campaign for President, was a terrific family man and stood by his wife who is suffering from terminal breast cancer. Plus, the guy has fantastic hair, don’t you agree? Douchebag Moment - Not so fast. While his poor wife was suffering through cancer treatments and taking care of his children, Johnny boy was porking Rielle Hunter, a blonde videographer he hired to document... well, maybe to document that “woody” he was toting around. Johnny, we thought we knew ya! |
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Sarah Palin, Gov. of Alaska and former VP
Candidate - Palin popped up on the national radar so fast, it seemed too good to be true... she looked like the main character in that Van Halen video, "Hot For Teacher". With her handsome husband and loving children by her side, she and her conservative values seemed to be just the answer a faltering John McCain had been looking for to help propel him into the nation’s highest office. Douchebag Moment - Unfortunately, she opened her mouth and revealed an intellectual curiosity not seen since Forrest Gump (We’re sorry to insult Forrest Gump fans). Plus, it turned out that this beauty could sling mud farther than a stonemason. She promptly tagged Obama as a “socialist”, and told the world he “hangs out with terrorists.” Then, in a moment of irony that somehow escaped her attention, she whined about the “unfair media attacks” against her! And don’t forget her interview with that tough, hard-bitten journalist, Katie Couric, where Palin listed Alaska’s proximity to Russia as a vital component of her foreign policy experience. Comedians everywhere mourned her loss in the general election. |
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Roger Clemens, Future baseball hall-of-famer
- Roger the Rocket, the flame-throwing right-hander had gained the respect of millions of baseball fans through his incredible work ethic, his values, and his respect for tradition. Supported by his lovely wife and four sons, Clemens was positioned to soon gain entry into that most prestigious of sports halls, the Baseball Hall of Fame. Douchebag Moment - The rocket in Roger the Rocket’s pocket had other plans. The New York Daily News reported on Clemens’ long-time affair with country music star, Mindy McCready — an affair that began when she was fifteen years old. Stories of other affairs began to surface. Then, to make things worse, Roger was alleged by The Mitchell Report, to have used steroids late in his career. Roger Clemens: baseball superstar and now... flame-throwing douchebag. |
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George W. Bush, President of the United States
- This President has balls—big, lead-filled gonads. He rarely admits mistakes. He rarely changes his mind. He was elected for two terms and is the 43rd President of these United States. Douchebag Moment - “He has balls”- He invaded a country that had not attacked the U.S., with the purpose of destroying their weapons of mass destruction. “He rarely admits mistakes” - There were no weapons so he changed the mission to one of bringing freedom and democracy to the Middle East, adding that it was the right thing to do. “He rarely changes his mind” - He says if he knew then what he knows now, he would’ve done the exact same thing. “He is the 43rd president of these United States” - And a douchebag, eight years running. |
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Vladimir Putin, Prime Minister of Russia -
A former KGB agent, Putin ascended to the Presidency and gained the trust
of President G. W. Bush who said he had, “looked Putin in the eye and was
able to get a sense of his soul.” Putin publicly touted Russia’s
“Sovereign Democracy” and, benefiting from skyrocketing energy prices,
used those petrodollars to return Russia to a position of economic power.
Douchebag Moment - He cracked down hard on media freedoms. He ratcheted up the heated rhetoric by criticizing The United States’ foreign policies. He sent troops in to invade the Republic of Georgia. He repeatedly challenged NATO’s policies. To put it bluntly, he gave it to George W. Bush in the ass and called him “baby.” We don’t really know what that means. |
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Joe The Plumber, Regular guy and Republican
political icon - A middle-class, hard-working “Joe,” he expressed his concerns to a campaigning Barack Obama, about his ability to buy his own plumbing business and about his possibly-increasing tax burden. He later became the focal point for the entire John McCain presidential campaign. Douchebag Moment - So much for McCain’s vetting process. His name wasn’t “Joe.” He wasn’t a licensed plumber. The IRS was after him for $1200.00 in unpaid back taxes. He wasn’t anywhere close to being able to buy his own business. Now feeling his own importance, he held a pre-election press conference to officially “endorse” John McCain for President. He has openly considered running for public office in Ohio. He is Joe the Douchebag. |
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Shoppers Who Trampled Wal-Mart Worker - On Black Friday, a crowd of shoppers gathered at a Long Island Wal-Mart, waiting for the doors to open at 5am so they might save a little money in their desire to give their loved ones a merry Christmas. Douchebag Moment - When the doors opened, the crowd turned into a frenzied mob and rushed into the store, trampling to death a 34 year-old Wal-Mart employee. One of the sale items for which they killed: A Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28. So, we wish you a merry Christmas and happy housecleaning, Douchebags! |
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Justin Timberlake, singer/actor - He’s sold millions of records and has six Grammies, as well as an Emmy Award. Douchebag Moment - We really have nothing against this guy. To be honest, he probably doesn’t even belong here. But, can you believe he’s nailed Britney Spears, Alyssa Milano, Cameron Diaz, AND Jessica Biel? He’s out there scorching the Earth and we’re sitting home alone, writing a bit about douchebags. That makes him a douchebag. We think. |
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Rush Limbaugh, Radio talk-show host - A well-known conservative, Limbaugh enjoys the highest ratings in radio. His commentary is highly valued by most of the conservative political movement and he’s also known for having a fine sense of humor. Douchebag Moment - His “Operation Chaos” in the 2008 primary election encouraged his “Dittohead” fans to crossover and vote for the less popular Democrat in States where it’s allowed, as well as re-registering as Democrats in Ohio and voting to affect the election results. Limbaugh stated, “The dream end of Operation Chaos is that this keeps up to the Convention, and that we have a recreation of Chicago 1968, with burning cars, protests, fire, and literal riots and all of that, that is the objective here.” Somebody get this douchebag another handful of prescription narcotics. |
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Joe Lieberman, Independent Senator from
Connecticut - A long-time democratic senator and family man who ran for VP as Al Gore’s running mate in 2000. He’s known for his forthrightness and his rock-solid values. Douchebag Moment - This weasel became an Independent only after losing the Democratic primary and, in the 2008 campaign, he campaigned hard for his buddy, Republican John McCain, even speaking at the Republican National Convention. He then began regularly dissing the Democratic nominee, Barack Obama, at each campaign stop in that irritating “squeezing-out-a-loaf” voice of his. To complete his entry into the Douchebag Kingdom, once the election was over and McCain had lost, Lieberman returned to the Senate, fully expecting to rejoin the Democratic Caucuses. |
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Jonas Brothers, Popular boy band - A very popular boy band from the Disney Channel, the Jonas Brothers have become wildly popular among teenagers and plan to continue their music and acting careers. Douchebag Moment - While every teenage boy in history has put every fiber of his being into getting laid, the Jonas Brothers have all vowed to abstain from premarital sex, and, to make things worse, they proudly wear “purity” rings to remind themselves of that promise. Whaaaa? Why in the hell did they become musicians, for God’s sake? A bit of advice to the Bros: relieving some of that pressure might help you to sing and play in tune. On behalf of every teenage boy in the land, we hereby decree “Douchebag” status upon these obviously disturbed young men. |
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CEO’s of the Big Three, Top executives for
GMC, Chrysler, and Ford - These ambitious business men run the three largest automobile companies in America and are responsible for the jobs of millions of Americans, not to mention making the superb automobiles we drive everyday. Their products and the jobs they create are a vital part of our society and they deserve our highest respect. Douchebag Moment - These guys are douchebags. In past years, while the profit-making Japanese automakers were anticipating the economic trends and the fuel-efficiency needs of American drivers, the Big Three continued to produce gas-guzzling SUVs and negotiate ill-advised union contracts with the UAW, allowing their companies to become bloated and inefficient. Then, when the economy took a downturn, they flew to Washington in their private jets, to beg the taxpayers for a 34 billion-dollar bailout. The Big Three? Yeah, The Big Three Douchebags. |
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Peter Cook, architect and ex-husband of
Christie Brinkley - Peter Cook is a successful architect who, in 1996, married former supermodel, Christie Brinkley. They filed for divorce in 2006. Douchebag Moment - The 2008 divorce proceedings revealed some surprises. Despite being married to one of the world’s most beautiful women, Cook had an affair with his 18 year-old assistant and then paid her $300,000 to keep her mouth shut. Did this guy just fall off a turnip truck or what? Then it was revealed that he had an Internet pornography addiction and even posted a video of himself masturbating on the Internet. Douchebag... thy name is Peter Cook. |
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Chinese Politburo, Executive organization for
the Communist Party of China - In the 2008 Olympics, they were a vital part of organizing and financing one of the more successful Olympics in years, including a spectacular opening ceremony. Douchebag Moment - A little girl, Yang Peiyi, sang a beautiful solo during the opening ceremony. However, it was later revealed that the girl seen on television, Lin Miaoke, was merely lip-syncing to Yang’s voice. It seems that, despite loving her voice, the Chinese Politburo was a bit put off by Yang Peiyi’s buck teeth and so they used the prettier Lin Miaoke for the actual performance, though she never actually sang a note. Virginia, are there really Douchebags in China? Yes Virginia, there really are. And they eat dogs too. |
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Marion Jones, Former world champion track and
field athlete - A world-class sprinter, Jones won three gold medals and two bronzes in the 2000 Summer Olympics. Her infectious smile and outgoing personality made her a beloved hero and role model to many. Several years later, rumors began to surface about her use of performance-enhancing drugs, which she vehemently denied. Anyone who knew her would gladly have testified that she was telling the truth. Douchebag Moment - She was lying. Then she lied to the Feds. Then she was involved in a check-counterfeiting scheme. Then she lied about that. Then the IOC stripped her of all her Olympic medals. She should be awarded the gold medal for perjury cause nobody does it better... and we’re not lying. |
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Wall Street Executives, Top CEO’s for AIG,
Lehman Brothers and others - These top-of-the-line business men run the largest banks and mortgage companies in America, providing the credit that fuels our economic engine. Their carefully considered decisions are a primary reason why they continue to reap large dividends for their shareholders. Douchebag Moment - Through naked greed and questionable loan policies, they’ve managed to drag their companies into a giant shit storm…and the American economy along with it. Now they’re asking for a 700 billion dollar bailout. Are you sitting down? While Lehman Brothers was collapsing, their chief executive received compensation over eight years totaling 480 million dollars. And, just days after being rescued by an 85 billion dollar U.S. government loan, AIG spent $440,000 dollars for an executive getaway at a California beach resort. They are currently leading the voting for Douchebags of the Decade. |
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Jim Bob and Michelle Dugger, Parents of 18
children - The Duggers are two born-again Arkansas Christians who will soon be giving birth to their eighteenth child. They live their life by the strict word of the Bible and have decided to let God determine the size of their family. Douchebag Moment - God is obviously playing a craps game with Michelle’s uterus. Maybe they should also let God determine the length of their fingernails. Hey, there’s a visual for you: twenty people with handfuls of "curly fries". Our math says that, in this age of over-population and dwindling resources, the Duggers have had at least sixteen too many douchebag moments. Note to Jim Bob: maybe a little less pushing and a little more pulling. |
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Michelle Bachman, Republican Congresswoman, MN
- Bachman is a conservative congresswoman who brings Christian values to her office as she tackles the issues of the day for the good people of Minnesota. Douchebag Moment - On same-sex marriage: “If gay marriage goes through, K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural and perhaps they should try it.” On the Arctic National Wildlife refuge: “I find it to be just the most perfect place on the planet to drill.” On the minimum wage: ‘Teenagers should pay employers for the privilege of working instead of receiving minimum wage.’ On separation of church and state: ‘It is important that we put men and women of God into office in our government, Amen. And I don't want any more letters about church and politics don't mix. If that's your opinion, then you need to get saved...' |
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Sean Hannity, Conservative radio talk-show
host - See Rush Limbaugh but take away the sense of humor. Douchebag Moment - Every moment of his miserable life. |
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O.J. Simpson, College and pro football star,
actor - Nicknamed “The Juice,” Simpson is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame and was the first running back to gain 2,000 yards in one season. Since his retirement, he has embarked on a successful acting career and has landed numerous endorsement deals. His winning personality and easy smile make The Juice a delight to be around. Douchebag Moment - Except when he’s in a murderous rage. Since he violently killed his ex-wife and her friend Ron Goldman (don’t give us that “aquitted” crap. You know he did it.) in 1994, Simpson has sold his soul to whoever will pay him. But this murder stuff is old news. He makes our 2008 list for armed robbery and kidnapping and is looking at a possible life sentence where he will take his ever vigilant search for his ex-wife’s REAL killer from the golf course to the Big House. Wonder what the boys in those prison showers think of douchebags? |
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Jeremiah Wright, Chicago pastor and friend of
President-elect Barack Obama - A former U.S. Marine, Wright became Pastor of Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago in 1972. The church eventually grew to around 8,500 members. His wise council was sought by many prominent Chicagoans including Michelle and Barack Obama. Wright recently retired his position as Pastor. Douchebag Moment - It’s not Wright’s controversial statements like “Goddamn America” that place him on our list. After all, as Chris Rock would say, he’s from a time when there was REAL racism. Yes, believe it or not, it’s true, most older black men still rightfully harbor bitterness toward Whitey. Our problem with Wright stems from the fact that when a qualified black man was finally on the cusp of being elected President—and was a friend of his, no less—Wright acted the fool, embarrassing Obama and reinforcing the worst kinds of black stereotypes. Bill Maher labeled Wright a “dickhead.” We prefer “douchebag.” |
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