| DEMOCRATS | PROS | CONS |
 Senator Hillary Clinton |
Her smashing
hairstyles. She is able to kick the ass of any other candidate. Bill Clinton returns to the White House. Hillary’s rules include “no interns allowed under the Oval Office desk”. Would cause Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity to blow a gasket |
Negative name
recognition second only to Cruella DeVille. Bill Clinton returns to the White House. Blind ambition battles head-to-head with hormonal changes, resulting in Super Nova of moodiness, endangering every man, woman and child in the country. |
 Senator Barack Obama |
Handsome, well-spoken
senator with new ideas. Tough on Terrorism, with a last name that sounds like “I’ll bomb ya”. Can whip all other candidates in arm wrestling, except for Hillary. |
First name sounds too
much like “Iraq". Republican opponents will try to label the Hawaiian-born Obama as a “foreigner” |
 Senator John Kerry |
He is “Lincolnesque,”
which is a plus unless Republicans find a group of “Steamboat Vets” who
served with Lincoln and deemed Honest Abe to be a pussy. Speaks a foreign language, which tops Bush, who couldn’t speak English. Will reveal his complete plan for the war after the war is over. Flip-Flops will be cool again. |
Will insist on caviar
with school lunches. Speaks French. Will move Camp David to Europe. Is actually turning into a tree, which could significantly shorten his term. |
 Howard Dean |
Having a crazy white
guy in the White House would frighten terrorists. Would represent all Americans who are high-strung and overloaded on caffeine---which, is ALL Americans. Americans may actually learn where Vermont is on the U.S. map. Even the deaf would be able to enjoy his speeches. |
America will not elect
a candidate with two first names. Endless reruns of his “I Have A Scream” speech. Potential scandal when Doctor Dean insists on giving each White House intern a Pap smear. |
| REPUBLICANS | PROS | CONS |
 Rudy Giuliani |
Name
recognition--people might mistake Rudy for that Notre Dame football player
who overcame all the odds. Would be hosting Saturday Night Live instead of banging White House interns. |
Name is a little too
“Mafioso”. Would insist on America being known as “The Country That Never Sleeps”. Would be a security nightmare, by riding everywhere in cabs. |
 Governor Jeb Bush |
Yeah, RIGHT. | Campaign slogan of
“I’m the smart one” could doom him. ”Bush Fatigue”. Scandal erupts when it’s discovered that David Hasselhoff is his biological father. Do we really want a President named Jeb? |
 Senator John McCain |
He is a certified war
hero--at least until the campaign begins. Could possibly kick Hillary's ass in a fight. Unlike our current vice-president, McCain knows how to handle a gun. |
Would try to garner
the youth vote by running as John "Edwin" McCain. Could get a flashback during official visit to southeast Asia. Endless war stories. |
 Condoleeza Rice |
Could garner strong
southern support by pledging to “pour a barrel of whup-ass over Hillary”. Would give American men the potential to actually date the President. Numerous weird hairstyles would make it easier for the Secret Service to hide her in public. Possesses super-intelligence, which she would need, to make us all forget the Bush years. |
Martha Stewart
introduces a new food recipe, “Condoleeza Rice”. With her in office, we could never forget how dumb we all really are. White House Fourth Of July Picnic would feature classical piano. ”Condoleeza Rice” too long to fit on bumper stickers. |