Amputee. It's not the sort of noun you'd be willing to use on your MySpace account is it? The word conjures up all sorts of unpleasant thoughts... like helplessness, wheelchairs, meager disability checks, and... gulp... stumps. We at Wasted Wits are not so far removed from this word that we can't offer our own commentary. In fact, one of our own here, recently came within a crusty toenail of joining the ranks of the limbless. So close, in fact, that it caused us to ponder just what that ugly fate might have brought to our lives. As a "glass half-full" group, we decided that maybe it wouldn't have been the end of the good times. We knew there had to be SOME positives to it, dammit. And here they are:
REASONS THAT IT'S GOOD TO BE AN AMPUTEE
1.
You'll finally be able to flip off all those distant-parking bastards as you
ease that big Buick... with a shiny new handicap tag hanging in full view...
into a cozy little space a mere 20 feet from the front door. Eat your heart out,
two-leggers!
2. Your prosthesis will be yet another object you can use to beat the kids with. Oh, I know you won't actually do it, but the little cookie-stealers HAVE to know it's an option!
3. You'll always have something to knock on for good luck, even though it's a sorry-assed run of bad luck that turned you into a lifetime limper in the first place.
4. Instant Weight Loss! It's the ultimate diet plan! All you need is a capable surgeon, a willing anesthesiologist, and an empty spot on the O.R. schedule, to guarantee you a 30-pound weight loss... in less than an hour!
5.
It's the ultimate Halloween decoration. Imagine the look of horror on those
trick-or-treaters' faces when you let your phony leg fall to the ground!
There'll be no need to buy candy next year... or ever again, probably.
6. You'll kick ass in a three-legged race. Sure, it's small potatoes, but in your current miserable state, ANY victory will feel Olympian.
7. At the next tourist attraction you visit, they'll be calling you "Braveheart" as you fearlessly dangle that imitation leg near the alligator pit or shark tank.
8. You will have the greatest grandfather gag of all time. To hell with removing your dentures! You'll be removing and dangling your goddamn leg in front of little Johnny's face! It'll make a man out of him and leave him begging to return to the days of "pull my finger."
9. Your sex life will improve. As strange as it may sound, the curiosity factor will make you irresistible to chicks... and then you can use your special feature to "stump" their brains out!
10.
Half-priced pedicures!
11. Instant war stories. Yeah, you threw your body on that grenade to save your platoon. And you'd do it again, goddammit.
12. You finally learn how to spell "prosthesis" properly.
13. Free lifetime membership to www.AmputeesNeedLove2.com
Editor's Note: Don't even THINK about calling us on the carpet about this
article. After many months mulling over this very-close-to-home subject matter,
we decided to finally release it. We hope you enjoy it, but at the very
least, we will derive satisfaction for whatever squeamish factor this article
induces. Feel free to comment in the Guest Book Section.