“If you're not wearing Dockers, you're just wearing pants.”
Pants stuffed with dynamite.
The War On Terror has been a
hard-fought battle, with our brave troops showing over and over again, why they
are regarded as the greatest fighting force in the world. But it has not been
easy. We are fighting an enemy with no borders and no army. We are fighting an
ideology. This presents us with a challenge like no other before.
Americans have always risen to challenges. The stories of World War II Americans
rationing their food, gas, and even clothing are well known. There were even
scrap metal drives to aid in the war effort. Many Americans today are
frustrated, and they're all too willing to help in the war effort. But how?
We've come to the conclusion that we need to show the terrorists that we are
just as crazy as they are. After careful consideration, we thought that maybe
the U.S. should nuke, say... Idaho. If the terrorists see that we're crazy
enough to nuke one of our OWN states, then that just might cause them to give up
their mission. But it does seem to be a rather drastic move. After all, we do
love our potatoes.
No, we want them to think we're crazy AND we want to fight them at their own
game. Suddenly, it's all became crystal clear to us. We've come up with an idea
that will give our brave soldiers a break and let them go home to their families
for a while. We say, let's let the American People take over the fight! We won't
even have to ration anything!
A powerful nation of over 300 million patriots should have many citizens who are
willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for their country in this war against
terrorism! We at Wasted Wits have stayed up long into the night, compiling a
list of those most expendable American citizens and, at long last, we are ready
to reveal a new battle plan. A new tactic. Let's show those diabolical bastards
how crazy we really are! Ladies and gentlemen, we now give you those brave
patriots who will "out crazy" the crazies and transform themselves into:
AMERICAN SUICIDE BOMBERS
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Barbie. That's right, the classic girl's doll. For years she's been teaching impressionable young women that big breasts and small waists are standard issue. For her contribution to female eating disorders, we'd like to accessorize Barbie with a "standard issue" bomb belt... available in red, white and blue. |
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Any woman with a tattoo of a butterfly, a rose, or a dolphin; also, any woman with ANY tattoo just above the crack of her ass. Chicks get these tattoos and think of two words: "cute” and “sexy." Guys look at them and think of one word: "whore." We at Wasted Wits look at them and think of two words: "suicide bomber." |
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Anyone who lives in a "holler." They're beating the hell out of each other every weekend anyway. Let the Yahoos sign up to serve their country... after the bars close at 2 a.m. |
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Rappers. They're already used to carrying heavy metal weights around their necks. Let's see how Al Qaeda likes a little gold-tooth shrapnel. |
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Carnival Ride Operators. Imagine, just once, going to the carnival without these lepers leering at your girlfriend. Wouldn’t that be nice? Let's send them on the ride of their lives... inside a mushroom cloud. |
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The amazingly bad "singers" who audition for American Idol. It's a fair trade off. They get national TV exposure, while subjecting our ears to the worst kind screeching... in exchange for vaporizing themselves and taking America's enemies with them. |
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Anyone under the age of 35, who has less than five teeth. C'mon, let's get real. They've already peaked. |
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Anyone who isn't online yet. Enough of this hanging on to the past! It's the 21st century for God's sakes! The Internet is here and isn't going anywhere. Unfortunately those computer-less souls will be... in a thousand pieces. |
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Whoever's responsible for those daily price increases at the gas pump can surely wear a TNT tuxedo for Old Glory. |
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Any used car salesman who's ever screwed his customer. Let’s put these slime balls behind the wheel of that 1989 Shitbox that they seemed to love so much when they sold it to us. We'll pack it with some good old American black powder, and send them out on the Fallujah Freeway to pick up a few Al Qaeda hitchhikers. |
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Healthy people who use handicapped parking spots. You’ve seen them hop out of the car and half run into the building... no handicap tag hanging from the mirror. Look at it this way... if they survive the blast, they'll have a legitimate reason to park there! |
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Anyone who believes they stopped making "real music" in 1971. That speech is getting to be so lame. For those that insist on living in the past... we insist on buying them a "Stairway To Heaven." |
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Any tailgating, horn-blowing, bird flipping, SUV-driving
Yuppie. “If you're not wearing Dockers, you're just wearing pants.” Pants stuffed with dynamite. |
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Anyone, anywhere, who's ever reserved anything for you... and then said it's not available on the day you need it. Reserve them a one-way trip to Afghanistan... pre-paid, and confirmed. |
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Soccer Moms. You've seen these perky, upper middle-class suburban women just oozing enthusiasm and perfection, all the while bragging about their bad old promiscuous, dope-smoking days in college. Yeah, right. Like we believe that! Since they already drive a Hummer, they'll look right at home in a war zone where they'll drive right up to the enemy, lean their head out the window and yell, "Great game guys! Who wants juice!”? The Jihadists will likely think she said, "Who wants Jews!" which will result in all sorts of zany, hilarious fun until... KABOOM! |
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Smartassed, no-talent hacks who waste their wits sitting around making fun of things instead of making positive contributions to the world around them. |